Simpson/Hemstead Job Board: Greatest Job Ever Option 1

At the Simpson/Hemstead institute in South Hampshire, Arizona we and our crack team of guys who think up cool shit spend hours thinking about the American job market and the sad state it is in.  Like HOURS man.  HOURS pouring over wine-soaked page after page of drunkenly scribbled solutions to the job crisis. Americans, as I was reminded last night, don’t want entry level jobs, even with entry level skills.

No, they want prestige jobs, that show they’re as good as the stuff they repost from cracked.com and funnyordie.com.  And what’s wrong with that?  Really?  Honestly, don’t we deserve the pinnacle of moderate success without any learned or apprenticed skill set?  If Snookie and Kate Plus 8 can have riches beyond their reasons to ever expect based on being a fuck machine and an oompa-loompa with a severe superiority complex (contra-respectively), can’t we all expect that sort of awesome return for simply just being dickish enough to want it?

At Simpson/Hemstead we say “sure, why not,” but that’s in answer to the question, “would you care for another drink.”  No, in regards to the meaningless want culture of America we say, “man that’d be rad.”  But the reality is it’s not that easy.  If everyone had a prestige job like they wanted, who would do all the shit you do now that is so important?  Who is gonna flip the burgers and make the change at the Gap or answer our tech support calls?

OUTSOURCING.  Right.  Bummer.  Forgot, we already have an answer for that.  It’s a shit answer, but we’re going with it, so where does that leave America?

Imagine all you want, the chick updating your gym info looks NOTHING like this.

At Simpson/Hemstead we think that leaves America needing to think outside the box; to come up with some unique solutions on how to make our jobs more interesting, or create a niche market for new and exciting jobs.  So we’ve created the Simpson/Hemstead Job Board, to look for the greatest job ever (that doesn’t currently exist).  We’ve wracked our brains and drinking wrists and come up with a few, but we need some more.

To start things off, here’s a perfect example of what we’re talking about.  This is Americans thinking outside the box and creating awesome new jobs.

What's the retirement plan you ask? AWESOME, that's what.

That’s right… HOT TUB BOUNTY HUNTER.  I don’t know what the fuck a hot tub bounty hunter does, but I’m debating abandoning a run for office to become one.  Start thinkin’ America.  Start making a difference, I’ll be in the hot tub with my shotgun and a leather vest.

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About boomoy

Making the world unsafe for dumbocracy

Posted on April 11, 2010, in America, Job Board, The Econonomy. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. In a hot tub with your Shotgun? That almost sounds romantic…

    Like

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