Harrisburg, Penn Considering Bankruptcy
Oh shit people! CITIES ARE DECLARING BANKRUPTCY! Things is getting serious all up in this bitch. Read that again: AMERICAN CITIES ARE DECLARING BANKRUPTCY. This isn’t uncle Joe who is bad with money asking to borrow a couple grand so he can get back on his feet, this is a whole city. Maybe it’s time to stop watching Project Runway and figure out what to do here.
Okay, so it’s JUST Harrisburg. Maybe it doesn’t mean much to you, I mean how often do you go there? Me? I’ve never been. But that doesn’t mean I might not WANT to go. And if I go I’m going to want hospitals to be open, because I tend to cut myself accidentally quite a little bit.
But okay, so what if Harrisburg goes the way of the Dodo? What next? Atlanta? Philly? Phoenix? Allentown? Okay, maybe that last one was a bad example, but still, the other three were asking for government bailouts two years ago. That’s freakin’ scary. We gotta stop this.
Don’t fear, after a long night of peyote and beer, Simpson/Hemstead and their closest advisors have come up with a solution: Benefit concert. We need Billy Fucking Joel.
Billy Fucking Piano Man Joel. But this won’t be a a normal sized benefit. Based on our math, this will have to be the BIGGEST BILLY JOEL benefit ever. Like HUGE.
So Billy, you down for gettin’ big? Of course you are, you’re an entertainer. So let’s get on it.
Step one: Someone call Rick Moranis.
Step two: Fast track the script for Honey I blew up the Piano Man
Step three: Strap Billy Joel and start the embiggening.
If by any chance Billy isn’t willing or able to undergo the Hank Pymming required, we’re going to need the Biggest fucking Winger science is capable of.