WE HAVE TO STOP BIEBER-MANIA
I’m going to expand on this more in a couple hours, but we’ve gotta stop this little Canadian by kicking him square in his Hanson-hole until he gets his underage ass back up to Canada.
He’s freakin’ me out.
Okay, it’s later. We can go into this. What, many of you might ask, is a Bieber. As www.fark.com would have you believe, no one really knows. But let me list some facts:
- We know it came from Canada, like Michael J. Fox and Ryan Stiles.
- We know it has a platinum album (seriously people?)
- It looks kinda like a girl.
- It’s mom was 18 when it was made, and despite claiming to be very religious and hoping he’d sign with a Christian label, allowed it to record an album with a hip hop producer focusing mainly on thinly veiled sex when it was 15, and now suckles hungrily at it’s money teat.
- Hemstead’s daughter, 9 years old, even thinks it’s ridiculous for singing about sex at it’s age.
- it has been to the White House (even Simpson/Hemstead haven’t been there. Hell, the secret service has “shoot on sight” orders if we’re within 400 yards of the gate)
- it has befriended a Kardashian. (we’re doomed)
Okay, now let’s focus on those last two for a second.
IT HAS INFILTRATED OUR GOVERNMENT.
The Bieber, through the execution of spunk and androgynous moxie, has infiltrated the highest levels of our government, even meeting the Executive in Chief. This wouldn’t have happened on Simpson/Hemstead’s watch. Sure, I would have had to shoo Maynard Keenan out of the Lincoln bedroom every other weekend and Hemstead would insist on Faith No More to play Hail to the Chief for him every morning, but they’ve already proven themselves to be harmless, guilty of little more than genre-specific music. But no, on Obama’s watch the Bieber has found it’s way into every nook and cranny of the White House. He might have even seen the Big Board.
So it’s in our government, spreading it’s disease, so what?
I’ll tell you what: it’s befriended a Kardashian. THE Kardashian.
Imagine, for one second, that the Bieber was allowed to mate. Now go drink heavily to scrub that image out of your mind.
Now imagine it mates with the queen of the celebutants: Kim Kardashian. A woman famous only for having a remotely famous father, suctioning herself to Paris Hilton and possessing an ass so large and dense that neither light, nor dick can escape it’s gravity when a camera is present. That’s right, she’s a multimillionaire because she 1: knows how to ride coattails and 2: knows how to get fucked on camera. When is USC going to start offering this as a major?
And let’s go back… the Bieber’s mother, the once again devoutly religious woman who prayed to God that her son would be signed by a good Christian label (“God, I gave him to you. You could send me a Christian man, a Christian label!” – citation, New York Times), has noooo problem with the Bieber becoming besties with a woman whose SOLE CLAIM TO FAME IS FUCKING ON CAMERA.
Now, I’m not prudish, I’ve watched the video… a couple times (the internet rocks). I’m not judging (more than usual). I’m not Christian. I’m just pointing out inconsistencies in thought and action that have allowed the Bieber access to all corners of our lives.
Imagine if that androgynous tween thing gets sucked into the gravity of Kim’s ass and seeds her bruised womb with a litter of Kardashibiebers that will spill forth upon the Earth like a plague, sapping our common sense and taste in music, pour pound upon pound of money into Perez Hilton’s pockets and distract us from anything good, right, or charitable. We’ll be completely defenseless.
America, you’ve just seen the terrorists’ master plan: