Americans On The Moon?
EDIT: TURNS OUT CHARLIE BROWN’S NOTION OF MOONSTATES IS ILLEGAL ACCORDING TO THE OUTER SPACE TREATY OF 1967. But screw it, we can still have Moontana…
ALSO EDIT: There is something called The Outer Space Treaty of 1967. Awesome.
It’s a historic day folks, know it or not. This is the anniversary of a fire on the Apollo 1 launch pad that killed Astronauts Ed White, Gus Grissom, and Roger Chaffee. They represent the first human deaths on the American side of the race to the moon.
Simpson/Hemstead have always been ardent supporters and even fanboys of NASA and the history of manned space exploration. It’s science, and we love the science.
Now, Newt Gingrich, the cartoony old man in a very cartoonish GOP field of candidates has stated that if he gets elected president that there will be a permanent American moon colony by the end of his second term. It pains us to say this but damn that’s the most exciting thing we’ve ever heard, and we *gulp* have to commend Charlie Brown for adopting a plan that has been on the Simpson/Hemstead agenda since 1995.
His plan seems to be to create a new America on the moon, which seems a little outlandish if we’re not able to hold onto and incorporate terrestrial holdings like Guam into states of the union, how are we going to hold the night sky? I think this might be even more of his crazy talking before the thinker gets hold of the idea.
Simpson/Hemstead would like to suggest that we collaborate with Ziggy in a bi-partisan endeavor to put the scaled down, achievable goal set forth by Simpson/Hemstead: To relocate the entire population of Montana to the moon and call it Moontana.
We have nothing against Montana, in fact at least one person I know is from Montana and they are affable folk, smart and quick-witted and not distinguishable from the rest of Americans in any way. What I have noticed though is that the state of Montana doesn’t really like visitors. At all. It’s cool if you know someone there and you’re going RIGHT TO THEIR PLACE and you don’t look around a lot, but just driving through Montana with California license plates and pointing at pretty things out the window is a general no-no penalized by shotguns and lynchings.
I imagine all that looking out for foreigners who are actually other citizens all the time must be stressful, with so much open and pretty ground to look over. We can also infer from the state motto “The Big Sky State” that they like sweeping vistas. I dare you to find one more sweeping than the moon. No pollution, you can see forever!
Okay, so we know Montananans (What do you call them? Don’t know and don’t care once they’ve been properly relocated to Moontana), need the following to survive:
- Lots of pretty, wide open space.
- Solitude from intruders, even from within their own country.
Man, the moon sounds like a natural fit.
Now look at the other side: If we were going to establish an American-owned moon colony from the ground up, we would need what?
- hearty, farm-boy style folk.
- Can-do attitude
- Plucky indifference to isolation
- Intelligent, but not assholes about it
- Ability to not be distracted by beautiful expansive vistas
- ability to fix motor-driven vehicles on a budget
- proficiency with firearms to defend against Russians, Chinese and Klingons and whatever Will Smith was fighting in Independence Day.
Hot damn, that’s MONTANA!! They’re a patriotic bunch to boot, so that works well.
Wait, I’ve just been informed that Montana had petitioned from secession from the United States when Barack Obama took office. Goddammit so much.
Screw it, leave Montana alone and we’ll make Moontana a destination resort. We just need a celebrity spokesperson…