Google Releases Cautionary Video About The TechnoHipster Apocalypse
It would appear, from watching the video, that Google is impressing upon us that in the future hipsters will roam the cities, distracted from the outside world like the Walking Dead in scarves, eager to block their vision incessantly with technically useless shit because they’re too lazy to raise a goddamned phone to their faces.
Sure, Google might have released it as a “preview” teaser showcasing the theoretical possibilities of their augmented reality glasses, but watching this video I can’t help but think, “Goddamn! This guy is a TechnoHipster douchebag from the moment he gets out of bed to the moment he VIDEOCHATS A ROMANTIC EVENING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!”
This self-important asshat goes out of his way to meet an equally detestable hipster punk jerk-off for coffee from a food truck before teaching himself to play shitty ukulele* in an hour (great planning there dude, what is it your anniversary?) and STILL showing up late for his videodate with the poor girl stupid enough to say, “Yes, I will date you” to a guy who needs a heads up display to navigate the city he lives in.
Let’s contemplate for just one second here: He is wearing glasses that tell him how to do everything, where everything is, even how to navigate a bookstore and he STILL ends up LATE to a date he’s clearly planned. A date with a hot flesh and blood woman who is now sitting alone in an apartment while he’s out saying “look at the beautiful streaming, pixilated sunset I bring you, along with this shitty ukulele music, rather than taking you out to hold you on a building top at sunset before I serenade you spontaneously.” Unless this chick is the hot female version of the Boy in the Plastic Bubble, then this dude is a self-important technohipster douchebag scrotum sore. Take the girl out! Keep the girl in. Either way, go be WITH the girl!
All I can say is, by the time they hit the market I hope they can help the wearer with fist avoidance suggestions, because Simpson/Hemstead will punch those visually obstructive nightmares right off your bearded hipster face.
Welcome to the future, everyone! Self-important technohipster douchebag apocalypse! Brought to you by Google!
No word yet on if the glasses will come in Ironic thick frames, Ironic 90’s Oakley frames, or Ironic Irony frames.
*Simpson/Hemstead would like to point out that it does not hold any ill will toward the ukulele or it’s fine musical prowess. We enjoy the uke and know folks who have spent more than 2 hours teaching themselves how to play at a professional level. We just really f*cking hate technohipsters.