Moocifer Is Nigh

I’ve had feelings, or sensations of dread whenever I’d be confronted with a fatty cut of meat for the last couple of months.  I felt in my core that a dark time was coming, heralded by a malevolent being who would rain down fire and ennui from his teats.  This creature would reek of barbecue and gristle, with outstretched arms and a disconcerting, tight-lipped smile that didn’t mask his grotesque desire to consume the world entire.  After months I thought I had uncovered who would be the herald of this evil time.

And then Ted Cruz suspended his presidential campaign and I went back to the drawing board.

More accurately, I celebrated with a bottle of sake and some raw oysters.  One less person to challenge the obvious Simpson/Hemstead candidacy.  But when I went to sleep I had a dream.  A dream of that same sensation of dread.  In that dream I saw in the smokey, barbecue teat-fire a face.  It was the face of this herald of doom, a long and oddly snouted face for a biped.

And he whispered to me.

“I love you.”

“We’ve only just met,” I said in return, in as demure a voice as I could muster when confronted by such a beast.

The beast mistook my tone for coquettishness, “Soon you will know me, my love.  Soon you will all know me.”

I was taken back, and even slightly off-put that the herald of doom was so quick to reveal his polyamory.  “Who are ‘you all’?”

Was I jealous?  Of the beast that had been tormenting me for months?  I didn’t have time to think through my emotional state, for the beast bear down on me with his wide-set and oddly vapid feeling eyes that glowed red like the forge of Hephaestus.

He narrowed those eyes at me and said, “Every beating heart will soon beat for me.”

I was taken back.  One, that’s just scary.  Two, it’s a helluva great pickup line for a swingers convention.

I stammered my response, “Wh-who are you?”

The beast chewed at something emptily in his mouth and then hissed his response.

No, not hissed.  Something else.  Something more guttural.

Mooed maybe?

“I am Moocifer, and I am nigh.”

 

I woke up already sitting up in bed, called the ScienceWerks and described the creature I saw.

He is beefy and eternal.

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About boomoy

Making the world unsafe for dumbocracy

Posted on May 4, 2016, in America, Candidate Bios, Forbidden Love, Oh Noes!, Religion, ScienceWerks and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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