Category Archives: Forbidden Love

Hot And Bothered Women Love Scott Leberecht

What’s not to love?  He’s a good lookin’ man and he’s creative and just artsy emo enough to be distant and moody, but not so much you wanna cock punch him.  He’s got sleeve tattoos and he’s from Ohio, which is well known as the epicenter of American sexuality.

And he’s got a movie coming out.  In fact it just got written up on Dread Central this morning.  You can see the review by clicking here:   http://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/midnight-son-2011

So that’s great.  And of course, since that review went live yesterday, what were the hot Simpson/Hemstead search terms?

Apparently when wimmen realize Edward Cullen is a fictional pedophile douche, they turn to real people, or sometimes Harry Potter. Creepy.

What a great way to start out the week, but if you are looking to apply for the position of Scott Leberecht’s girlfriend, follow the link for instructions:

Scott Leberecht Girlfriend Submission Guidelines

Iron Eyes didn't read the guidelines.

WTF INTERNET?!?

This week’s top searches on Vote Simpson/Hemstead.com:

Rule 34 is alive and well

This is the third week in a row that vasectomy has been a major contributor to Simpson/Hemstead’s traffic, and that’s cool, it’s a real thing that people might want information about.  And Daniel Radcliffe naken is nearly a thought, if not for the typo, so cool.  But what the Boneless Moses is “pointing proud of the brick” and why does it point to my website?  And why do people want to see it?

 

And don’t even get me started on “forbidden chocolate ice cream in a cone.”  Okay, I’ve started on it I might as well finish.  What the JesuAllaFasa is that?  Forbidden ice cream?  Is this the Japanese name for 2 Girls, 1 Cup translated back into English?  If so, why the hell is it pointing toward my website?

NO!  No girls of any quantity interacting with any number of cups on this page.  It’s just not going to happen.

But if you want to see Daniel Radcliffe naken….

 

 

Let’s Change Gears Here

This song has been running through my head all morning for some reason.  It pretty much is one of the sexiest songs ever written.   Seriously, if I could figure out how to get this song drunk or drugged and into the back seat of my car I would.

This is a user created video, not the official video for the song, and I did not do it, so please no comments on the video content.

Damn, I need a cigarette.

Okay, now go read the last blog entry, it’s far more important than this one, but if I have to lure you here with audiosex then I will.

This song is so hot it made the injun cry.

Creating a Simpson/Hemstead Future

At some point you have to put the power back in the hands of the people. Even though, time after time, you have watched them fawn over the likes of Sarah Palin, vote a guy in that they wanted to have a beer with and, well, whatever the hell the issue with John Kerry was.

Well for one we'd have to replace "Hail to the Chief" with the Theme to the Munsters.

I’m still confused on that one. But, like I said, at some point the people have to have the power to do their will. So it is at this time my fellow Americans that I announce that I have done just that.

Over the past ten years I have been hellbent on creating a Vote Simpson/Hemstead army. A large group of loyal voters that would not waiver in their support for the juggernaut that is known as Simpson/Hemstead.

Okay, sure, they’d be voting Simpson/Hemstead because I pay for their food, put a roof over their heads and buy them toys. You see supporters, I also call these voting minions my children.  I’ve turned my wife’s unmentionables into a horrific slip-and-slide of voter birth over the last 10 years, with the refined reproductive efficiency of an automotive assembly line, the queen from Aliens or that machine that poops out Hershey’s Kisses.  But probably more like a macabre fusion of those three things.

This abomination is currently pooping Kisses, just trust us on this one.

Over the years I have bribed, bought off and promised a lifetime of Cold Stone ice cream to them just to have the security of their votes come election time. Well, no more. No more creating little ankle biters to fill the voting booths.

Simpson calls them "Daddy's little funkillers."

That’s right supporters. I went and got a vasectomy. I needed to see what the great citizens of this country would do with  this fully armed and operational battle station. Does that sound right? No matter. You get the long and short of it.

Actual picture of Hemstead before vasectomy. *Not pictured: Hemstead.

 

For seven days now I have been sore, black and blue, swollen and worst of all, forced to wear tighty whiteys all for you. The American voters.

Not pictured: Swollen.

 

So how does the power feel America? How does it feel not to have to lean on the genitals of the Hemstead half of Simpson/Hemstead? I bet it feels pretty good.

*Editor’s note:  Simpson would like to point out that while he doesn’t claim any children as his own, he’s not saying there aren’t tens of suspiciously furry boys and girls wandering the country looking for sugar, caffeine and voting booths.

Oh and Rhonda, before you get up in my grill again, that ain’t my baby, bitch, blood test proved I ain’t the baby daddy.  Stop calling, you aren’t getting any more hush money or books of those little stamps Albertsons is giving out for pots and pans.   That ship has sailed, hoodrat.

The Giraffe Heard ‘Round the World.

A few weeks ago, while putting together the blog posting about our newest cabinet members, I had to go find a photo of a giraffe, as our giraffe refuses to have his photo taken.  It has something to do with a thing called “Megan’s Law” and it’s supposed to be “on the Q.T.” so I didn’t ask any more.  Anyway, I find a photo.  You might recall what it looks like.  Well, okay the 14 of you who read the post.

Giraffe

So, I find this photo online off a random google image search, and it comes up in a stock library of animal photos.  Perfect.  He’s gorgeous.

This is on November 3rd.

And then this post is from Kotaku on November 15th, conveniently when Simpson/Hemstad is on the campaign trail in D.C.

http://kotaku.com/5689982/what-do-you-think-of-kinect

From this very flimsy coincidence it’s easy to deduce with absolute certainty that Kotaku are avid, if not silent Simpson/Hemstead supporters.  They are also thieves.  But mostly supporters.  And that’s flattering.

http://kotaku.com/5699737/what-deals-did-you-get

http://kotaku.com/5694109/whats-the-easiest-game-youve-ever-played

Boneless Moses!!!  I guess it’s also pretty clear that someone over there has a SERIOUS giraffe fetish.  Maybe that’s why they’re supporters.  I feel we should clear this up right now; Kotaku, Simpson/Hemstead will NOT be legalizing man/giraffe love.  WILL NOT.

But isn’t the fact that it’s taboo make it that much more thrilling?

www.kotaku.com

Seriously, it’s a good place to go for gaming information, and it’s part of the Gizmodo network, so there’s a bunch of fun pop culture goodness across their affiliated sites, even for a group of closeted giraffe f@ckers.

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