Category Archives: Foreigners and Their Affairs



Simpson/Hemstead would like to recognize and honor those who fought on this day in 1944.

We recognize with solemn reticence those who laid down their lives on this day, regardless of nationality or ideology, for their sacrifice and suffering.

As we move forward from this day through history’s unwritten volumes, may we take this moment to remember the series of events, both individual and national that led to this day.

And let us renew our promise as individuals and as nations of a civilized world to learn from the tragedies of war, and from those seemingly innocuous events years before the first bullet is fired that create the atmosphere for such human suffering.

May we never forget the sacrifices of men and women, military and civilian, living and deceased, whose histories have shaped our world.

Utah, Omaha, Gold, Juno, Sword. May these words echo forever as symbols of courage, strength, and resolve, while whispering solemn reminders of what happens when the hubris of the megalomaniacal gains the favor of a population.

Simpson/Hemstead’s List of Words That Are Fun to Say Like Sean Connery

It’s no secret we’re big fans of Scotland’s single greatest non-alcoholic export, so to start your weekend off right, here’s a list of 34 words we love to say like Sean Connery.  You can picture young and studly Sean Connery, or old and grandpa-ish Sean Connery if you like, the subtle nuance changes between young and old add a nice flavor.  However, I prefer to think of the smily grandpa Connery.  This list is by no means comprehensive, but it is a good start.  So pour yourself a glass of Scotland’s other greatest export and say them along with us.

  • Asbestos
  • Gubernatorial
  • Macaroon
  • Creamed Corn
  • Dianetics
  • Rapscallion
  • Cuneiform
  • Biz Markie
  • Synergy
  • Escargot
  • Susan G. Komen
  • Plutocracy
  • Rectify
  • Street Tacos
  • Sassafras  
  • Space X
  • Buccaneer
  • Sandalwood
  • Intestinal Buffer
  • Slim Shady
  • Dinosaur
  • Epilepsy
  • Sig Sauer
  • Buzzfeed
  • Justin Timberlake’s Myspace
  • Casserole
  • Ziccardi
  • Shag
  • Sea Shanty
  • Bruce
  • Spicy Burrito
  • Sexual Healing
  • Bromance
  • Gluteus Maximus

From the entire team here at Simpson/Hemstead, have a safe and silly weekend, and rememeber:

"Shtay Clashy, Shan Diegough."

“Shtay Clashy, Shan Diegough.”

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Southern California awoke to a 4.4m earthquake this morning to start off St. Patrick’s Day with some wobbly legs.  The quake was centered 7km north/northwest of Westwood (Home of the Bruins) and lasted about 10-15 seconds.  Very little damage has been reported at this time, mostly just knocked over brooms and pictures falling off walls.  CalTech has shown the shake map as follows:

intensityAs earthquakes go, not so bad.

We’ve had the ScienceWerks pouring over the shake data from Cal Tech all morning to discern a possible cause for this temblor.  While it’s too early to draw any conclusions as of yet, one ScienceWerksineer was quoted as saying on condition of anonymity, “Look it’s St. Patrick’s Day.  Personally I think this is just California celebrating our nation’s long and racist history of posting ‘Irish Need Not Apply’ signs by trying to shake the little drunken leprechauns off her back while they’re tipsy.”*

All of the Irish we’ve interviewed since the temblor have unanimously said, “Earth-what now?  Didn’t feel it.”



Happy St.  Patrick’s Day to the Irish and Non-Irish alike from Simpson/Hemstead.  Have fun, and above all be safe.

To learn more about the small recent California Earthquake, visit the USGS website.

To learn more about the history of St. Patrick visit Wikipedia.

To learn more about the U.S.’s muddy history of Irish tolerance visit this blog on Historical Myths.

*The views toward the Irish expressed by the unnamed ScienceWerksineer  do not necessarily reflect the views of Simpson/Hemstead, the United States of Adamerica, or good and decent folk around the world.


A Supervillain Is Born


Following a freak accident during a military test involving gamma radiation, mild-mannered ruler of the people Kim Jong-un was radioactively fused with visiting dignitary and celebrity Grumpy Cat into a foul-tempered, unamused tyrant of ennui:  Grumpy Kim.

He's not impressed with your sanctions.

He’s not impressed with your sanctions.

Fortunately for the world, other visiting dignitaries Chris Hardwick and North Korean’s favorite basketball player Dennis Rodman were thrown clear of the radioactive cloud due to the selfless act of Wil Wheaton.

Mr. Weaton and fellow celebrity Hannah Hart were not as lucky and were found at the center of the blast zone fused into the pop culture cabal that wishes to be known as Hanton Wilhart.

At least they're both mirthful.

At least it’s a mirthful monstrosity.

Fortunately Mr. Hardwick has managed to work the deal to his benefit, signing the affront to God’s glory as a single entity for a 50% savings to Nerdist Industries.

“We’re very excited about this merger,” Mr. Hardwick was quoted as saying outside Decontamination Center 3 in the capitol city of Pyongyang, “fusing the plucky drunken energy of Harto & Co. with the industry smarts and old-school nerdery of Gordie Lachance from Stand By Me is a perfect match.  I see this as the greatest melding of male and female energies since Edwina Cutwater took over the right side of attorney Roger Cobb’s body following a botched Hindu soul transfer.”

MrMiss. Wilhart was unavailable for comment, but a visit to Nerdist industry’s website has updated their splash page to read, “Coming in April: My Drunk Tabletop featuring Felicia Day, Gordon Ramsay, Morgan Freeman, and your host, the abominable Hanton Wilhart.

Grumpy Kim was quoted as being not impressed.

Americans On The Moon?


ALSO EDIT:  There is something called The Outer Space Treaty of 1967.  Awesome.


It’s a historic day folks, know it or not.  This is the anniversary of a fire on the Apollo 1 launch pad that killed Astronauts Ed White, Gus Grissom, and Roger Chaffee.  They represent the first human deaths on the American side of the race to the moon.

Simpson/Hemstead have always been ardent supporters and even fanboys of NASA and the history of manned space exploration.  It’s science, and we love the science.

Now, Newt Gingrich, the cartoony old man in a very cartoonish GOP field of candidates has stated that if he gets elected president that there will be a permanent American moon colony by the end of his second term.  It pains us to say this but damn that’s the most exciting thing we’ve ever heard, and we *gulp* have to commend Charlie Brown for adopting a plan that has been on the Simpson/Hemstead agenda since 1995.

His plan seems to be to create a new America on the moon, which seems a little outlandish if we’re not able to hold onto and incorporate terrestrial holdings like Guam into states of the union, how are we going to hold the night sky?  I think this might be even more of his crazy talking before the thinker gets hold of the idea.

Simpson/Hemstead would like to suggest that we collaborate with Ziggy in a bi-partisan endeavor to put the scaled down, achievable goal set forth by Simpson/Hemstead:  To relocate the entire population of Montana to the moon and call it Moontana.

We have nothing against Montana, in fact at least one person I know is from Montana and they are affable folk, smart and quick-witted and not distinguishable from the rest of Americans in any way.  What I have noticed though is that the state of Montana doesn’t really like visitors.  At all.  It’s cool if you know someone there and you’re going RIGHT TO THEIR PLACE and you don’t look around a lot, but just driving through Montana with California license plates and pointing at pretty things out the window is a general no-no penalized by shotguns and lynchings.

I imagine all that looking out for foreigners who are actually other citizens all the time must be stressful, with so much open and pretty ground to look over.  We can also infer from the state motto “The Big Sky State” that they like sweeping vistas.  I dare you to find one more sweeping than the moon.  No pollution, you can see forever!

Okay, so we know Montananans (What do you call them?  Don’t know and don’t care once they’ve been properly relocated to Moontana), need the following to survive:

  • Lots of pretty, wide open space.
  • Solitude from intruders, even from within their own country.

Man, the moon sounds like a natural fit.

Now look at the other side:  If we were going to establish an American-owned moon colony from the ground up, we would need what?

  • hearty, farm-boy style folk.
  • Can-do attitude
  • Plucky indifference to isolation
  • Intelligent, but not assholes about it
  • Ability to not be distracted by beautiful expansive vistas
  • ability to fix motor-driven vehicles on a budget
  • proficiency with firearms to defend against Russians, Chinese and Klingons and whatever Will Smith was fighting in Independence Day.

Hot damn, that’s MONTANA!!  They’re a patriotic bunch to boot, so that works well.

Wait, I’ve just been informed that Montana had petitioned from secession from the United States when Barack Obama took office.  Goddammit so much.

Screw it, leave Montana alone and we’ll make Moontana a destination resort.  We just need a celebrity spokesperson…


The Drops Of God

It’s no secret that Simpson/Hemstead are fans of wine.  We’ve cultivated this love for a collective two decades and Hemstead himself actually does work from time to time at wineries during the harvest.

We are also nerds.  Not asshole douchebag hipster nerds who think owning an iPad makes them Nerdy.  No, owning an iPad makes you trendy.  Jailbreaking an iPad to write a custom app that allows you to remotely monitor the processor temperature and efficiency of your Linux machine at home that is compiling your DVD collection by Name, Director, Writer, Cinematographer, Editor and stars (with a special asterisked column for whether it has either Clint Howard, Art La Fleur, or Michael Biehn in it) makes you a nerd.

It’s with this in mind that we were excited to hear about THIS:

This is an internationally renowned comic book about WINE.  All aspects of wine.  Making, drinking, enjoying.  Sure this sounds about as exciting as a comic book about chess, we admit; however reviews point to the contrary.  The asian wine industry has skyrocketed due to this comic.

Simpson/Hemstead will be picking up their copies, and enjoying them with at least one good bottle of the drops of God while we read.

Also, if Clint Howard, Art La Fleur or Michael Biehn would like to come over for a glass or two, just let me know, we’ll order another copy.  You guys are always welcome at the Simpson/Hemstead compound.


When I first joined Facebook I was all like this:

And then more of my friends joined and I started reconnecting with people I’d not seen in 20 years and I was like:

But now, after repost after repost after repost of the same bullcrap and an almost uncountable number of status updates that equate to something and inane and pointless as, “tacos for lunch” or “today sucks”, I’m kinda finding myself feeling more and more like this:

"You... you just 'liked' your own status, didn't you?"



Hike Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife

There’s apparently an invisible rapist skulking his translucent, rape-hungry schmeckle through Asia, soul-raping young wives in the still of the night, while their husbands are RIGHT THERE!

Not sure if he wears glasses, but they do make him look suave.

Holy shit, that’s a cock-sure invisible soul-rapist right there.  He’s not even waiting for the husband to go out of town, or to work, or having the decency to shoot him and put shards of broken mirrors in his eyes like a rational god-fearin’ rapist.  No, this cat doesn’t care if you’re home with your husband, having a good old-fashioned opium orgy, or playing bridge with the girls; when this cat gets the urge, he indulges.

According to the report from the Asian News Network story:

The man: said his wife would remove her clothing, touch her own body and moan while sleeping at night, since a month ago.

He sought help from a medium, who then told him that someone had used black magic to take away the wife’s “soul” and rape her.

Now, we might not have to worry so much in the states yet, the invisible soul rapist seems to be sticking to Asia for the time being, specifically the Bintulu, Sarawak region of Malaysia.  Personally I didn’t know where that was, but don’t worry, I’ve already done the Googling for you.

Apparently, Bintulu, Sarawak looks like the OMG Cat.

Even the province seems to be saying, "OMG! INVISIBLE SOUL RAPE, LULZOR!!!!!"

But just because invisible soul rape is happening in OMGCatgurg, Malaysia, does that mean we shouldn’t be concerned?  Not in the least, in fact we should be hyper-vigilant, for what starts as humorous across the world invisible soul rape soon becomes a national epidemic right outside our own doors that registers a 9.2 on the Dodson scale.

To combat the imagined threat of invisible soul rapists, Simpson/Hemstead has had the ScienceWerks put together a computer generated composite sketch of what the invisible Malaysian soul rapist might look like:

The ScienceWerks computers only know how to do composite sketches as realized by Sears Portrait Studio. This backdrop is called "Winter Fairyland".












So, if you see yourself an invisible guy with rape in his eyes, contact the local authorities.

However, if you see a hot asian girl in her 20’s slipping out of her clothes and touching herself while moaning in her sleep, contact Simpson/Hemstead as well as EVERY OTHER GUY YOU’VE EVER MET, so that we might get all Bintulu, Sarawak on that scene.

Malaysia, bitches.


Vote Simpson/Hemstead:  Bro’s before ho’s.

Cuban Coffee Part Three: Taka Taka Time

An important part of the Cuban coffee experience is the creation of the espuma.  Now, once you’ve stopped giggling and gotten all the “that’s what she said”s out of your system, we’ll continue….

This is the part of the experiment that is Cuban coffee where you pour a tiny bit of coffee into a pyrex cup with some sugar (the ratio of which is very important, as addressed in part 2) and you stir the concoction until it looks something like caramel.  The sound of the spoon on the glass makes a “taka taka” noise.  You are supposed to say this chant, “taka, taka!  Taka, taka!” as you stir.   I’m not explaining well, watch this video:

There are other Cuban coffee how-to videos but this one is the most fun, and she’s definitely the cutest of them.  *Editors Note:  Most of the other ones are inexplicably middle aged men who look like they just woke up or spent the night stalking the neighborhood children.  This should not diminish the cuteness though.

Since I do not have a pyrex measuring cup (as pictured in the video) I improvised.  I used a heavy gauge cocktail glass shaped like a tiki.

Also goes great filled with rum and tiny umbrellas

Personally I think this Tiki Taka Taka adds a nice Polynesian flair to an otherwise not even remotely Polynesian event.   Besides, I find chanting “Tiki, taka-taka!  Tiki, taka-taka” VERY satisfying, and somehow Cuban-flavored.

Like the rice at Souplantation.














Exploring Cuban Coffee: Part 2. The Sweetness Is The Thing

I present part two in our week-long study of Cuban Coffee… why it’s important that the espuma (I’m not making that word up) and coffee ratio be accurate.


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