Category Archives: INTERNETS!!!!!

My Morning Commute

I have enjoyed a great privilege of driving past a number of iconic buildings from film and TV on my commute to work in the morning, including  Nakatomi Plaza from Die Hard and the ICS television station that The Running Man takes place at.

Driving by Flynn's Arcade every morning makes it hard to work

Driving by Flynn’s Arcade every morning makes it hard to work

However, there is a different building that catches my eye that never had.  I was aware of it, but until I was watching a TV show on NETFLIX recently I’d never given it a second glance.

I'll just put a picture of it here... so that way you'll have it.

I’ll just put a picture of it here… so that way you’ll have it.

Taking a daily tour through pop culture is probably one of my favorite parts of living in Los Angeles.  And now I hear Ron Howard’s voice every time I drive to work, so that’s a bonus.

A Supervillain Is Born

Pyongyang

Following a freak accident during a military test involving gamma radiation, mild-mannered ruler of the people Kim Jong-un was radioactively fused with visiting dignitary and celebrity Grumpy Cat into a foul-tempered, unamused tyrant of ennui:  Grumpy Kim.

He's not impressed with your sanctions.

He’s not impressed with your sanctions.

Fortunately for the world, other visiting dignitaries Chris Hardwick and North Korean’s favorite basketball player Dennis Rodman were thrown clear of the radioactive cloud due to the selfless act of Wil Wheaton.

Mr. Weaton and fellow celebrity Hannah Hart were not as lucky and were found at the center of the blast zone fused into the pop culture cabal that wishes to be known as Hanton Wilhart.

At least they're both mirthful.

At least it’s a mirthful monstrosity.

Fortunately Mr. Hardwick has managed to work the deal to his benefit, signing the affront to God’s glory as a single entity for a 50% savings to Nerdist Industries.

“We’re very excited about this merger,” Mr. Hardwick was quoted as saying outside Decontamination Center 3 in the capitol city of Pyongyang, “fusing the plucky drunken energy of Harto & Co. with the industry smarts and old-school nerdery of Gordie Lachance from Stand By Me is a perfect match.  I see this as the greatest melding of male and female energies since Edwina Cutwater took over the right side of attorney Roger Cobb’s body following a botched Hindu soul transfer.”

MrMiss. Wilhart was unavailable for comment, but a visit to Nerdist industry’s website has updated their splash page to read, “Coming in April: My Drunk Tabletop featuring Felicia Day, Gordon Ramsay, Morgan Freeman, and your host, the abominable Hanton Wilhart.

Grumpy Kim was quoted as being not impressed.

Jim update coming later this morning

It’s too hard to write out a long post with the phone so I’ll have top wait until i’mback in front of a computer.  Everything moving forward, he’s starting therapy and his sister and niece are flying up today!  Stay tuned!

Coming Soon To A Speaker Near You

Because sometimes there is just too much to type…

The Legend of Flat Jim

Alternatively, he also has no penis. Un-flat Jim would like me to remind people that this is where Flat and Un-Flat Jim diverge. Don’t make him send photos.

It turns out that the pressures of being America’s candidates is somewhat tricky.  Often times folks want you to be a part of their book signing, car dealership promotion, Comic Book Convention, or funeral processions.  Even with two of us sharing the workload of a single candidate it becomes somewhat tricky to be everywhere at every time.  This is why Flat Jim was born.

Flat Jim is a photo of one half of the nation’s most under-utilized candidates that you, the supporter can print out, affix to a stick of some manner, and create your own ingenious photo opportunities with the Co-mmander in Chief.   He’s portable, fits in backpacks, and costs less than 3 dollars to create.  We have rolled out beta versions of Flat Jim to multiple markets and are already seeing some amazing photos of what Flat Jim can do for our country.  We will soon open up Flat Jim to the general public, with instructions on how to make your own Flat Jim.  Watch this space, for Flat Jim is coming.

So please, go check out the Flat Jim Tumblr, like it, follow it, share it with your friends and let’s help spread Flat Jim to the world.

Hay Hemorrhoid?

Hay Hemorrhoid?

What is a hay hemorrhoid?

Can hay get hemorrhoids?

We asked the ScienceWerks and they said hemorrhoids are vascular bodies along the anus that assist the excretory system with stool control that become a real pain in the ass when irritated. They told us, through a number of slides and graphs that made us giggle, that hay has neither the proper vascular system, nor a systemic excretory system to facilitate a need for hemorrhoidal structures.

So no, you may not have hay hemorrhoids. But “vascular structures that assist the excretory system with stool control that become a real pain in the ass when irritated” sounds a lot like something the current political system could use, so yes! We will be your political hemorrhoids America.

Now let’s keep your shit under control before you irritate us.

Google Releases Cautionary Video About The TechnoHipster Apocalypse

It would appear, from watching the video, that Google is impressing upon us that in the future hipsters will roam the cities, distracted from the outside world like the Walking Dead in scarves, eager to block their vision incessantly with technically useless shit because they’re too lazy to raise a goddamned phone to their faces.

Sure, Google might have released it as a “preview” teaser showcasing the theoretical possibilities of their augmented reality glasses, but watching this video I can’t help but think, “Goddamn!  This guy is a TechnoHipster douchebag from the moment he gets out of bed to the moment he VIDEOCHATS A ROMANTIC EVENING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!”

This self-important asshat goes out of his way to meet an equally detestable hipster punk jerk-off for coffee from a food truck before teaching himself to play shitty ukulele* in an hour (great planning there dude, what is it your anniversary?) and STILL showing up late for his videodate with the poor girl stupid enough to say, “Yes, I will date you” to a guy who needs a heads up display to navigate the city he lives in.

Let’s contemplate for just one second here:  He is wearing glasses that tell him how to do everything, where everything is, even how to navigate a bookstore and he STILL ends up LATE to a date he’s clearly planned.  A date with a hot flesh and blood woman who is now sitting alone in an apartment while he’s out saying “look at the beautiful streaming, pixilated sunset I bring you, along with this shitty ukulele music, rather than taking you out to hold you on a building top at sunset before I serenade you spontaneously.”  Unless this chick is the hot female version of the Boy in the Plastic Bubble, then this dude is a self-important technohipster douchebag scrotum sore.  Take the girl out!  Keep the girl in.  Either way, go be WITH the girl!

All I can say is, by the time they hit the market I hope they can help the wearer with fist avoidance suggestions, because Simpson/Hemstead will punch those visually obstructive nightmares right off your bearded hipster face.

Welcome to the future, everyone!  Self-important technohipster douchebag apocalypse!  Brought to you by Google!

 

No word yet on if the glasses will come in Ironic thick frames, Ironic 90’s Oakley frames, or Ironic Irony frames.

 

*Simpson/Hemstead would like to point out that it does not hold any ill will toward the ukulele or it’s fine musical prowess.  We enjoy the uke and know folks who have spent more than 2 hours teaching themselves how to play at a professional level.  We just really f*cking hate technohipsters.

Today’s Study Question: 04/03/12

If a tornado is an act of God, and God’s plan cannot be known by man; then why would one pray to God for the safety of friends facing a tornado warning?

Can’t Help But Wonder…

When will it become a penalized offense for our elected officials to engage in ‘pithy’ sound-bite friendly name calling best suited for internet trolls or tweens in a school yard.

  • You are an elected official.
  • You make more money than your average constituent
  • You have your pension guaranteed
  • You are who the public looks toward for a symbol of excellence and decorum
  • I am entrusting you with the decisions that shape our country

Please show the maturity assumed of educated statesmen and women, and not media whores.

The more I see politicians taking pot shots at one another on any side of the political spectrum, the more I see our entire government as a gallery of Courtney Stoddenesque children.  And the more Simpson/Hemstead starts feeling like a realistic choice for elected office.

Why are we tolerating this sort of behavior from those we have given such power?  Why do we allow subversive, slanderous name calling within the ranks of our government?  To give the republican horde sound bites declaring the ineffective leadership of the democrats?  To give the democratic horde sound bites declaring the republican lack of connection to the common man?

Stop allowing these people to pander to your “oh snap” gene.  Demand maturity and decorum from your elected officials.  Expect, and tolerate no less.

They won’t always make the right decisions, they won’t always make the most popular decisions, and they might have inhaled at some point in their lives; but dammit, they will represent the country like statesmen and stateswomen.

Tell them enough is enough.

From the IMDBs

We get this little gem.

I worked on this movie, and I don't remember that top thing happening...

So if you’re looking for a Snowy mountain lodge family gathering movie with lots of murder, witchcraftery, hostage-taking and gun play that will ultimately end in sadness and inexplicable anal sex… you might wanna check out The Inheritance.

 

*Might.

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