Simpson/Hemstead found themselves back in the ScienceWerks again this week trying to solve one of our nation’s greatest problems; the egos of professional athletes.
With big ticket athletes like LeBron James, that weird hockey guy, and the persistent calamity that is Randy Moss running their mouths, tweets and ego-cocks at 11 all the time; professional sports has a problem that has been ignored for too long.
That’s where the ScienceWerks at the Simpson/Hemstead underground bunker in the Ozark Mountains comes in; and comes in hard.
Sure, players are routinely fined and given slaps on the wrist, but does a 10,000 dollar fine really make a difference to a 30 million dollar receiver? Not really. It’s a nuisance tax, and it doesn’t strike them where it hurts.
Simpson/Hemstead has dissected years of research into sports medicine and human behavior and figured out how to best handle this problem: new rules.
I know what you’re saying, “But S/H, there already are rules,” and you’d be right, but the rules in place aren’t built to contain the problem. The problem IS the modern athlete; they are akin to the gladiators of ancient Rome, without that awkward slavery thing or stabby combat thing. Oh, and they can vote. Also they get paid millions of dollars. Then there’s the having a retirement program and pension things that gladiators didn’t have. I’m also having a hard time remembering the last time Al Michaels leaned out of a broadcasting booth and gave a thumbs up/thumbs down to declare the execution of the vanquished. Okay, so realistically they are nothing like gladiators other than we sit in big round stadiums to watch them do their thing.
But they FEEL like they are gladiators, because you know, armor and swords and beating the shit out of Joaquin Phoenix in front of 50,000 people sounds like a pretty good time. But let’s remember the little people, and let’s remember to honor the sport, fans, and co-workers at the risk of uncompensated instant termination.
We’re pretty sure we can solve these problems with a two quick, mandatory rules added to every top tier professional athlete’s contracts.
RULE #1: The Bill and Ted Clause.
I know I know, we’re talking a lot about Bill and Ted today, but that’s only because those two loser slackers were on to something. Their basic philosophy in life was simple: Be excellent to each other; and party on dude.
Pictured: being excellent
What’s wrong with that? Nothing. It seems so simple. Why then do athletes trash talk their teammates?
I think Randy Moss is the poster child for this clause. In 2010 while inexplicably back on the Minnesota Vikings roster in a move that will go down in history as The Childress Lunacy, Randy decided to trash talk his new teammates while at a luncheon with food provided by one of the team’s favorite restaurants. The move so incensed the rest of the squad that Randy was released from his contract. Randy only played 4 games with the Vikings before he was released into free-agency, and cost the team several much needed draft picks that might nurse the floundering squad to health. Don’t worry about poor Randy though, he got to keep his signing bonus and some nice early termination money.
This is what the Bill and Ted Clause is meant to prevent. It’s akin to a conduct clause. Don’t screw over your organization. You screw with your organization, you can be terminated without compensation.
RULE #2: THE AL CAPONE CLAUSE
Remember, above all other things that you are part of a team. You might be a helluva player. You might be the best damned player on the team, but you take away the other people on the team and leave your sorry ass alone on the field, court, what have you and your ass is going to lose.
Respect your team. Honor your team. Know they’re saving your reputation and making you look good more than you are ready to admit.
If you don’t?
Part... of... a.... TEAM!
Seems pretty simple. Score two points for the ScienceWerks.