Category Archives: Job Board
Well we clearly didn’t win the recount for President. We even lost to Rosanne Barr which is it’s own kind of new confusing defeat. We even had Jim go through a life-threatening stroke (more updates on his recovery coming, the road is long and slow but fruitful) So now instead of racing to get another updated campaign sticker out the door, we’re switching gears.
Simpson/Hemstead would like to announce it’s candidacy for Pope. We see there is a vacancy coming up and we think that maybe we would be a nice fit for the Catholic church. You see, neither of us are Catholics, and we think that might be JUST what the church needs to carry it proudly into the new century; which we’ve just been informed started 13 years ago.
We’re not sure how popes are chosen, but we would like the College of Cardinals to know that we are available to start poping as soon as needed. I wear an XXL hat, so make sure that awesome napkin hat that popes wear has been let out some.
Really? “Poping” is not a word?
This is the first thing we’re changing when we start poping.
Simpson/Hemstead found themselves back in the ScienceWerks again this week trying to solve one of our nation’s greatest problems; the egos of professional athletes.
With big ticket athletes like LeBron James, that weird hockey guy, and the persistent calamity that is Randy Moss running their mouths, tweets and ego-cocks at 11 all the time; professional sports has a problem that has been ignored for too long.
That’s where the ScienceWerks at the Simpson/Hemstead underground bunker in the Ozark Mountains comes in; and comes in hard.
Sure, players are routinely fined and given slaps on the wrist, but does a 10,000 dollar fine really make a difference to a 30 million dollar receiver? Not really. It’s a nuisance tax, and it doesn’t strike them where it hurts.
Simpson/Hemstead has dissected years of research into sports medicine and human behavior and figured out how to best handle this problem: new rules.
I know what you’re saying, “But S/H, there already are rules,” and you’d be right, but the rules in place aren’t built to contain the problem. The problem IS the modern athlete; they are akin to the gladiators of ancient Rome, without that awkward slavery thing or stabby combat thing. Oh, and they can vote. Also they get paid millions of dollars. Then there’s the having a retirement program and pension things that gladiators didn’t have. I’m also having a hard time remembering the last time Al Michaels leaned out of a broadcasting booth and gave a thumbs up/thumbs down to declare the execution of the vanquished. Okay, so realistically they are nothing like gladiators other than we sit in big round stadiums to watch them do their thing.
But they FEEL like they are gladiators, because you know, armor and swords and beating the shit out of Joaquin Phoenix in front of 50,000 people sounds like a pretty good time. But let’s remember the little people, and let’s remember to honor the sport, fans, and co-workers at the risk of uncompensated instant termination.
We’re pretty sure we can solve these problems with a two quick, mandatory rules added to every top tier professional athlete’s contracts.
RULE #1: The Bill and Ted Clause.
I know I know, we’re talking a lot about Bill and Ted today, but that’s only because those two loser slackers were on to something. Their basic philosophy in life was simple: Be excellent to each other; and party on dude.
What’s wrong with that? Nothing. It seems so simple. Why then do athletes trash talk their teammates?
I think Randy Moss is the poster child for this clause. In 2010 while inexplicably back on the Minnesota Vikings roster in a move that will go down in history as The Childress Lunacy, Randy decided to trash talk his new teammates while at a luncheon with food provided by one of the team’s favorite restaurants. The move so incensed the rest of the squad that Randy was released from his contract. Randy only played 4 games with the Vikings before he was released into free-agency, and cost the team several much needed draft picks that might nurse the floundering squad to health. Don’t worry about poor Randy though, he got to keep his signing bonus and some nice early termination money.
This is what the Bill and Ted Clause is meant to prevent. It’s akin to a conduct clause. Don’t screw over your organization. You screw with your organization, you can be terminated without compensation.
RULE #2: THE AL CAPONE CLAUSE
Remember, above all other things that you are part of a team. You might be a helluva player. You might be the best damned player on the team, but you take away the other people on the team and leave your sorry ass alone on the field, court, what have you and your ass is going to lose.
Respect your team. Honor your team. Know they’re saving your reputation and making you look good more than you are ready to admit.
If you don’t?
Seems pretty simple. Score two points for the ScienceWerks.
He was there again! Look at him! CLW! He’s changing his look some, he’s grown his hair out, and the toll of fighting internet startup company problems has put more grey in his hair, but it’s definitely him. the laptop, the large boxes, and now the full size office printer. That’s right, CLW now has a full printer set up in the middle of a Starbucks. He is truly the working class superhero!
For a time I had speculated that he might be homeless, which would suck. But that also shows such great initiative to succeed that he’s set up shop in a Starbucks. But he smells so nice, is always freshly showered looking and has no signs of meth teeth.
No, CLW is an enigma; and he’s the kind of enigma we want on Simpson/Hemstead’s team.
Every leadership needs a military, even if it’s a pretend country like Coruscant or Cuba. Hell, even Oz had an army. Simpson/Hemstead Sciencewerks, in conjunction with Amazon.com and a Visa card with no pre-set spending limit have produced our first unmanned drone.<p><a href=”http://vimeo.com/20032570″>Great Thing about work…</a> from
Okay, so it’s an iphone controlled AR Drone made by Parrot. But still, with enough of these and some teenagers hopped up on smuggled Four Loko, I’m pretty confident we can hold off a small invading force… in 15 minute increments at least.
For those of you interested in joining the Simpson/Hemstead Air Force, here’s a link to the Sciencewerks (cleverly called something totally different)
First of all, here’s a FAR better trailer for my day job: Glorious HD goodness.
Secondly, after a long and exhaustive search, Simpson/Hemstead P.R. headquarters thinks that they’ve found us our Snorg Tees girl. More info to come on that by the end of the week, I hope.
CORPORATE LACKEY WOLVERINE!!
We spotted him again! It wasn’t that hard, he was at the same table at the same coffee shop we last spotted him. I guess the CLW is a creature of habit. This time he was taking photos of a CD jacket with a Canon 60D while a weathered banker’s box sat next to him with the words “2008 receipts and paperwork” written on it in red. Possibly to remind him of the blood he drew in an epic fight with Mojo or Yuriko.
We overheard CLW talking to someone next to him and once I got past the fact that he sounds like a 10 year old girl with a head cold I focused in on what he was saying. CLW is trying to sell audiobooks from his own website, apparently because he feels this market isn’t being serviced by Apple and Amazon. Apparently he’s not doing so well because “nobody is buying books anymore.” This has nothing to do with the fact he’s shooting product shots in a Starbucks, and he’s not Apple or Amazon.
I think I’m losing respect for CLW. I felt sorry for him before, now I’m just pissed. He used to be a retired superhero struggling to make it in the corporate world, now he’s just a retired superhero with a really shitty idea for a startup company.
I wish I got a better photo, but at the same time, I don’t know if my phone can capture shame.
Equally good for drunkards:
and even women:
At the Simpson/Hemstead institute in South Hampshire, Arizona we and our crack team of guys who think up cool shit spend hours thinking about the American job market and the sad state it is in. Like HOURS man. HOURS pouring over wine-soaked page after page of drunkenly scribbled solutions to the job crisis. Americans, as I was reminded last night, don’t want entry level jobs, even with entry level skills.
No, they want prestige jobs, that show they’re as good as the stuff they repost from cracked.com and funnyordie.com. And what’s wrong with that? Really? Honestly, don’t we deserve the pinnacle of moderate success without any learned or apprenticed skill set? If Snookie and Kate Plus 8 can have riches beyond their reasons to ever expect based on being a fuck machine and an oompa-loompa with a severe superiority complex (contra-respectively), can’t we all expect that sort of awesome return for simply just being dickish enough to want it?
At Simpson/Hemstead we say “sure, why not,” but that’s in answer to the question, “would you care for another drink.” No, in regards to the meaningless want culture of America we say, “man that’d be rad.” But the reality is it’s not that easy. If everyone had a prestige job like they wanted, who would do all the shit you do now that is so important? Who is gonna flip the burgers and make the change at the Gap or answer our tech support calls?
OUTSOURCING. Right. Bummer. Forgot, we already have an answer for that. It’s a shit answer, but we’re going with it, so where does that leave America?
At Simpson/Hemstead we think that leaves America needing to think outside the box; to come up with some unique solutions on how to make our jobs more interesting, or create a niche market for new and exciting jobs. So we’ve created the Simpson/Hemstead Job Board, to look for the greatest job ever (that doesn’t currently exist). We’ve wracked our brains and drinking wrists and come up with a few, but we need some more.
To start things off, here’s a perfect example of what we’re talking about. This is Americans thinking outside the box and creating awesome new jobs.
That’s right… HOT TUB BOUNTY HUNTER. I don’t know what the fuck a hot tub bounty hunter does, but I’m debating abandoning a run for office to become one. Start thinkin’ America. Start making a difference, I’ll be in the hot tub with my shotgun and a leather vest.