Category Archives: Nixonian Enemies List

Goddammit so much, America

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See?  This is the kind of shit that Simpson/Hemstead is trying to protect you from.  Exactly what the hell is this?

Hey, I Have An Idea…

How about we stop using the phrase “game changer,” eh?   Am I the only person so sick and tired of this goddamned buzz-word that the thought of murdering the jackass who uttered it seems reasonable and healthy?

This is “Pro-active” for the 2010’s.  I guess it will go the way of Pro-Active then..  So, by the turn of 2020, it’s theoretically possible that either an acne medication or hair rejuvenating product (possibly a baptist funded, faux homosexuality cure) will adopt a bastardization of this horrific and uninspired term as it’s own.  That’s when we’ll see it twitch it’s last convulsion and give the world a spasmodic death-shit of immortality as a corporate shill called, GAY/ME CHANGER.

Game changer, you can join Travis Barr, gravity, and the Facebooks on my Nixonian enemies list.

Ghost Mutt

This morning I wake up and head into the yard, bleary-eyed from a night of forget-me-quick drinking and shooting zombies, and photoshopping a site update I’ll post tonight, and I stagger into the laundry room.

I open the back door (the dryer sits outside because this house pre-dates the idea of wanting to dry something inside) and notice something on the brick, hiding in the rapidly advancing weeds.  A proud pile of brown resting in my yard, triumphantly staking it’s flag on my property.  Sadly it wasn’t a team of UPS drivers.

Extra sadly it wasn't THIS team of UPS drivers.

Nope, it looked like the dog had pooped on the brick again.  Ugh, TWICE.  Goddamned dog, first he’s barking all night long, and now he’s shitting on the bricks in the backyard instead of in the grass.  When will he/she ever learn?!

That’s when it struck me:  I don’t own a dog.  The barking hound that keeps me up at night belongs to the neighbor.  The same neighbor throwing fruit at my house last week.  Now I’ve got two healthy-sized piles of feces in my yard to contend with.  Not sure if it’s that dog or not because I’ve never seen it.  Just heard it.

Time to throw on the security cameras, check the footage.  Is it meth addict, is it fruit-chucker, or is it ghost mutt?

Sadly, sometime in the last week the security cameras stopped working, so while I’m resetting the system, and the cameras all come online, I notice something moving in the corner of camera 4…  two somethings…

An adolescent dalmatian and her puppy.  Goddamned it, I can’t be pissed at that.  But I can be pissed at the people who own them.

I send Scott, Director of Homeland Security to investigate.

Dammit, she works for Sony… this is a potential contact.  So now, how to create a networkable connection while still getting the GD dogs quiet.  This is the greatest challenge Simpson/Hemstead has yet to overcome.

 

Fighting a Larger, More Well-Equipped Enemy.

I figured that would be a bitchin’ headline you’d HAVE to click on.  I was right!  Yet another reason to Vote Simpson/Hemstead; we understand the wants of the people.

For instance, last week I noticed that people wanted us to post things for them to read.  That simple act increased traffic to the site, and hopefully satiated the appetites of those who would read.   Then we learned that there were certain things you wanted to see over others.

A child murdering a giant, mutant turkey on Thanksgiving was a big winner.

Even the turkey referred two friends

Conversely, cute, fluffy and alive animals didn’t score as well.

Where are your souls people?

We’ve absorbed that information and we’ve been preparing a multi-million dollar custom built killing floor just to feed your seemingly insatiable bloodlusts.  But then something strange happened:  Yesterday I was whining about Facebook.   votesimpsonhemstead.com posted the biggest hit count we’ve ever seen.  On a saturday, traditionally not a heavy Facebooking day for many of you who have wives, children, alimony, mistresses, yardwork, peeping, or some other such desecrations to do with your time.

 

We hear you, supporters, PEOPLE LOVE WHINING!!

Arrows don't know how to lie.

And thank JesuAllaFasa they do, because we are so good at it.  Don’t worry friends, we will whine until our throats are sore for you, but to whine, we need enemies.

It’s a classic tactic of warfare that, when grossly outnumbered, out mechanized, and out supplied, the smaller army resorts to guerilla combat tactics.  Hit and fades, dirty pool, and using the enemy’s infrastructure against it.

Yesterday, Simpson/Hemstead declared war on the Facebooks as we discussed earlier.  Well, okay, we didn’t really declare anything, we mostly just whined a lot and then aired grievances against primary school bullies.  But in Simpson/Hemstead’s universe that’s EXACTLY like declaring war.

and this is exactly like breaking up

So we must use Facebook against itself.  Take down the beast by using the beast.   Let’s go back to that stat again…  We posted the highest traffic ever by bitching about facebook.  But where did all that traffic come from?

Sun Tzu just got a little nerd-wood.

That’s right.  Facebook was our top referrer.  Stickin’ it to the man, that’s the Simpson/Hemstead way.

 

Begun this Whine War has.

Whine War.  Not to be confused with the Wine War of 2008.

The Wine War ended about 3 hours after it started with an impromptu nap.

 

So that’s how you wanna play things, Facebook?

Apparently Facebook has disabled Simpson/Hemstead’s ability to post videos due to copyright infringements.  Sadly, there’s nothing we’ve posted that infringes on copyright.  In fact, the video of mine that has been taken down is a video of my nephew saying “Vote Simpson/Hamstand” that i shot myself.

So now, while videos that I wanted to share with you load to vimeo, let’s go ahead and add Facebook to the Simpson/Hemstead Nixonian Enemies list.

It’s you and Justin Bieber, Facebook.  And Travis Barr.  But that’s from him being a dick in grade school so much.  Sure, I know I should let it go, it’s been 25 years, but goddammit I’m a Simpson AND a scorpio, if you take away my ability to hold grudges for the slightest things you cripple me as a human being.

What am I if I’m not spiteful and sardonic?  I’m nothing, that’s what I am.

 

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