Category Archives: shameless promotion/whoring

Conversations From the Western White House

The first lady and I were sitting in bed talking about virtual reality last night and the following conversation happened:

First Lady: We need virtual reality company names that sound more immersive.  Like the opposite of virtual reality so that it feels more real and amazing.

Me: Okay.  what’s the opposite of virtual reality though?

FL:  Tangible… Fantasies.

Me:  That sounds like an escort service for cosplayers.

FL:  Either way.  This is also a viable business venture.

Coming soon from Vote Simpson/Hemstead ScienceWerks: Tangible Fantasies.*

*No word yet on whether costumed escorts will be available at this time.

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Not our most popular model.

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Why Simpson/Hemstead Never Gets Elected: 06/13/14

Here is where I’ll muse over the 13 year failure that has been the Simpson/Hemstead campaign, starting on Friday the 13th, 2014.

I tried entering “boomoy” into my phone, and the predictive text changed it to “vomit.”

Even after I had it learn the word “boomoy.”

"My smartphone might be trying to smarten me."

“My smartphone might be trying to smarten me.”

Campaign Update For Holy Father

Well we clearly didn’t win the recount for President.  We even lost to Rosanne Barr which is it’s own kind of new confusing defeat.  We even had Jim go through a life-threatening stroke (more updates on his recovery coming, the road is long and slow but fruitful)  So now instead of racing to get another updated campaign sticker out the door, we’re switching gears.

Simpson/Hemstead would like to announce it’s candidacy for Pope.  We see there is a vacancy coming up and we think that maybe we would be a nice fit for the Catholic church.  You see, neither of us are Catholics, and we think that might be JUST what the church needs to carry it proudly into the new century; which we’ve just been informed started 13 years ago.

We’re not sure how popes are chosen, but we would like the College of Cardinals to know that we are available to start poping as soon as needed.  I wear an XXL hat, so make sure that awesome napkin hat that popes wear has been let out some.

Really?  “Poping” is not a word?

This is the first thing we’re changing when we start poping.

Let the poping commence forthwith.

Let the poping commence forthwith.

Coming Soon To A Speaker Near You

Because sometimes there is just too much to type…

The Legend of Flat Jim

Alternatively, he also has no penis. Un-flat Jim would like me to remind people that this is where Flat and Un-Flat Jim diverge. Don’t make him send photos.

It turns out that the pressures of being America’s candidates is somewhat tricky.  Often times folks want you to be a part of their book signing, car dealership promotion, Comic Book Convention, or funeral processions.  Even with two of us sharing the workload of a single candidate it becomes somewhat tricky to be everywhere at every time.  This is why Flat Jim was born.

Flat Jim is a photo of one half of the nation’s most under-utilized candidates that you, the supporter can print out, affix to a stick of some manner, and create your own ingenious photo opportunities with the Co-mmander in Chief.   He’s portable, fits in backpacks, and costs less than 3 dollars to create.  We have rolled out beta versions of Flat Jim to multiple markets and are already seeing some amazing photos of what Flat Jim can do for our country.  We will soon open up Flat Jim to the general public, with instructions on how to make your own Flat Jim.  Watch this space, for Flat Jim is coming.

So please, go check out the Flat Jim Tumblr, like it, follow it, share it with your friends and let’s help spread Flat Jim to the world.

Nike BTTF Shoes

Welcome Google travelers who want God-Awful ugly movie shoes!  Our humble blog post about the Nike Mags being auctioned for charity has become the number 2 Google Image Search result for “Back To The Future Shoes” in Google.

Here’s it’s right here….

Yup, just linked back to Google’s link to our page…  kinda curious to see what happens now, I might create an infinite loop.

So welcome ugly shoe enthusiast.  Believe me, Simpson/Hemstead is right there with you….

We haven’t generated this kind of traffic since James Urbaniak gave a dramatic reading to Rebecca Black’s Friday….

 

James, come back, we miss you buddy.  And we miss the traffic.  Also, can I have an autograph?  On a Rebecca Black photo?  And would you like to come over to watch Ghostbusters in the backyard in a couple weeks while we all carve pumpkins?

Back to the Future Shoes

Nike has released them, replicas of the Mag, Self-Lacing shoes that Marty McFly wore in Back to the Future II.

Every day Nike will be auctioning off these shoes, with proceeds going to the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s research.

Sure they’re priced out of the average person’s hands without selling children into slavery, but dammit… wouldn’t it be cool to see America’s candidates (That’s us) sporting flashy shoes?  You betcha it would.

Goddamned shoes look so horrible. I have to have them.

And for those of you who don’t know what the disease really is about, Parkinson’s Disease is about far more than a chronic and uncontrollable case of the Electric Boogaloo.  Parkinson’s degenerates the whole brain and causes amongst other things, dementia, inability to speak, and eventual death.  It’s often overlooked for it’s admittedly humorous body tics, but it’s a horribly destructive disease.

As a bit of backstory, Dad had stage 1 Parkinson’s that only affected his right hand for several years before it spread.  He’d often try to hide the uncontrollably shaky forearm under the table at restaurants, or in his pocket full of change in theaters.   The only problems were, not only did he sound like Santa Claus, but a man with a feverishly shaking arm in his lap under a table at a restaurant looks… well it looks bad.  And not just a little bad, it looks “call the police” bad.

Like this, but you know, creepier.

I’d often times tell him he should get a job at Home Depot as a paint mixer or working as a bartender mixing cocktails.  I’m glad my father had enough of a sense of humor to not rear that wiggly fist up at me and take a swing, but at the same time I would have been glad for the story of getting the shit kicked out of me by a Parkie.

In the end, along with his cancers, the Parkinson’s did him in.  He was unable to eat, unable to stand, and unable to talk.  The medication cocktail, primarily SinimetCR, was no longer effective.  What you come to realize is that medication is often the source of the previously hilarious body movements.  But the body builds up a tolerance, and it builds up fast.  Soon the medication, even in heroic doses becomes ineffective.  Without it, the body goes rigid.  He was a twitching, shivering, rigid man gnarled into a fetal position.

Go watch Awakenings, the part toward the end where Robert DeNiro starts developing a tolerance to the L-Dopa, even though that film deals with patients who suffered from an encephalitic fever in their childhood, the condition is often compared to Parkinson’s in the film, and it’s very accurate.

If you have the means to bid on these shoes, do it.  It’s for a wonderful cause.

And just a reminder as to what Parkinson’s looks like before it becomes unlivable:

Thanks to Michael J. Fox for his continued efforts in the fight against Parkinson’s disease, and to Nike for helping us all geek out for a good cause.

I promise posts will get funnier again.  I’ve got some great Corporate Lackey Wolverine shit I’ve uncovered.  And the presidential primaries are gearing up, you KNOW that’s gonna be a good time around here.

 

 

 

Day Job Gets Antoine Dodsoned.

Looks like someone with a wicked sense of geeky to them has collected a series of cable shows and auto tuned the hell out of them to make a catchy little tune about quantum theory, including a breakdown by Stephen Hawking.

Wouldn’t you know it?  The whole thing starts off with my buddy Morgan Freeman and then gets into a bunch of our VFX work for the first season.

See kids?  Science can be fun!!!

On a side note, why doesn’t Stephen Hawking have a signature fragrance like Justin Bieber?

You Want A Candidate That ROCKS!!

Long-time supporters have heard this before, but many of you are new so I present to you the campaign theme written by Stanley Gonzales for Simpson/Hemstead.  I think it’s time Simpson/Hemstead got back to it’s roots and made with the funky tunes.  Does Amy “Kikita” have theme music?  No.  No she doesn’t.  Is that who you want representing you?  I don’t think so.  You want representation that knows how to cut loose and boogie.  Also, I don’t think “Kikita” is her real name…

You want rock, honesty, and snappy dressing in your candidates.  You want Simpson/Hemstead.

Vote Simpson/Hemstead:  You read it right, jackass.

If you need professional audio work, location sound, music production, or a helluva bluegrass band, I can’t recommend Stanley Gonzales enough.

TODAY IS THE DAY YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR

If you’ve been holding off buying a light colored Simpson/Hemstead t-shirt then today is your lucky day!  Today only (ends at midnight) cafepress is reducing price of white or light colored shirts to 15 dollars!  That’s the price of a Grande Macchiato with a squirt of every syrup Starbucks has.*

So click on the store here and pick up a shirt, you could find yourself boasting these beautiful slogans:

Groping costs extra

And it's a quick "meh"

Get to the point, the bi-partisan point.

 

when you do buy one or all of them, send us a picture of you in them outside somewhere, showing you have no shame.

 

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