Category Archives: The Econonomy

10/14/2016 We’re Here Today Because We Love You

I’ve seen a lot of “why I’m voting for _______” posts the last week, and I make a point to read them all.  I encourage you to do the same.  The lack of actual critical thought on display this election cycle is unseen in my lifetime, and we’ve only ourselves to blame.

The two unifying traits I see in all of them are as follows: 1 – Reckless adherence to fallacies and sweeping, uninformed generalizations couched in schoolyard character attacks, regardless of candidate. 2 – A hollow and apologetic tone for their own candidate that feels similar to an abused spouse explaining to a cop why it’s not their partner’s fault that they are abusive through a tear-stained black eye and bloody nose.  A party-line Battered Spouse Syndrome that keeps the cycle of abuse active based on fear of the other side “winning.”  Much like Battered Spouse Syndrome, the abusers are keeping their spouses in check by making them afraid of the world if they’re not protected by the abuser.  Is that what we are?  Is that what we deserve?

In a word, yes.

I finally came to that conclusion when I saw an almost uniform THIRD similarity in these posts; attention to the vice presidential candidate.  This is the first time I can recall that BOTH parties’ supporters pay special attention to the vice presidential candidate as a mid-term successor to the president.  It’s the first time I can recall in my lifetime that both party supporters have liberally used the phrase, “I think _____ will be a good president if something happens to _______.”  Both parties have a suspicion and possibly hope that the law will step in and take away their abusive spouse.  Before an election is held, we are uniformly whispering the word “impeachment” about our own candidates before we have cast a vote.

My God, what have we become?

I’m not interested in telling you who to vote for.  I can write an extensive and 100% verifiable, fact-based post on why you should not vote for Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Gary Johnson, and Dr. Jill Stein.  Hell, I can write you an extensive and 100% verifiable, fact-based post on why you should not vote for Simpson/Hemstead (which I’m sure will confuse and annoy the upwards of 7 people who have said they are voting for us this November – and I do love you vote-throwing people).  I’m only interested in you getting help, like anyone suffering from Battered Spouse Syndrome.

Your actions are hurting you.  Your actions are hurting us, the rest of your American family.  If you continue to get your information exclusively from your abuser and your abuser’s like-minded friends, you will forever be stuck in a fear-based cycle of battery.  I want so much more for you than that.

I would love to see you do the unthinkable.  I would love to see you reach across the party line and have a conversation with a facebook friend on the other side.  I do mean a conversation, not a shouting match of social media rhetoric, but an actual conversation.  This isn’t to convince the other side to join yours, but to find out what you have in common.  Support each other, because I promise you that they are as scared as you are.  Find out how we can help each other rather than correct each other.  Avoid using the following words and phrases:  Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, your people, liberals, conservatives, Cheeto Jesus, Grandma Murder, or really any slur of any kind.  They’re not clever and they don’t help.  Try to see yourself from the other side.  Or if that’s too hard then when you get stirred up and want to jump into the fracas against the “batshit crazy” supporters of your opponent, just repeat this line from Buffalo Springfield, “nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong.”  A bit of a generalization of course, but perhaps it will give you a moment of perspective to change your tactic.

It’s not surprising our abusers have slowly and methodically driven a wedge of fear and distrust between us to keep us in line and to keep us subservient, our strength comes from our unity.  Unfortunately, our unity was the first casualty of our apathy.  The age of a great politician uniting us is gone, if it ever really existed.  It’s up to us now.  We’re grown ups.  We need to set a better example.  We need to be better Americans to Americans.

My fellow Americans, make no mistake, what is happening in our country right now is what we deserve.  It’s what we’ve allowed by taking the easy path and by vilifying our neighbors.  If we don’t start EARNING something better, we’ll be doomed to apologize for our abusers until there is no more humanity to beat out of us.   And I think we can earn something better.  And We will always be here, ready to listen, to commiserate, and maybe even try to help.



And to those seven who planned to cast their vote our direction:  When the dust settles in mid-November and people on both sides of the parties are muttering their discontent, I want you to look them in the eyes and say, “Blame me, I voted Simpson/Hemstead.”  And as always, we love you.

And as always, we love you all.


The All Bird Episode

Yesterday I went on a bike ride and stopped down for a few minutes to shoot some of the seabirds while I was thinking about the flocking mentality of the Occupy America movement.  People have asked Simpson/Hemstead what our stance is on the Occupy Wall Street et. al. movements.  Even though we have remained relatively silent (unless you count muckraking on Glenn Beck’s Facebook page), it is a subject we have very strong feelings about.  We will be presenting an essay later this week, in the mean time, enjoy some birds.

It’s Been This Kind Of Day…

Nike BTTF Shoes

Welcome Google travelers who want God-Awful ugly movie shoes!  Our humble blog post about the Nike Mags being auctioned for charity has become the number 2 Google Image Search result for “Back To The Future Shoes” in Google.

Here’s it’s right here….

Yup, just linked back to Google’s link to our page…  kinda curious to see what happens now, I might create an infinite loop.

So welcome ugly shoe enthusiast.  Believe me, Simpson/Hemstead is right there with you….

We haven’t generated this kind of traffic since James Urbaniak gave a dramatic reading to Rebecca Black’s Friday….


James, come back, we miss you buddy.  And we miss the traffic.  Also, can I have an autograph?  On a Rebecca Black photo?  And would you like to come over to watch Ghostbusters in the backyard in a couple weeks while we all carve pumpkins?

English Fail? English Didn’t Fail Here, English Gave Right The F@%k Up.

Screen grab from for a projector:

Cables and Cohesive Thought NOT Included



Certain Immutable Facts and Also Things You Might Not Have Known

  1. Republican and Democrat do not traditionally mean or stand for what you think; I am speaking to members of Congress as much as I am the layman.
  2. It’s the heart of self-defeatism to, in the face of economic collapse stand by a party line first for a short-term gain, rather than by your nation for a long term survival.  I am speaking to the members of Congress as much as I am the layman.
  3. Immutable is a fun word.
  4. Testosterone makes hair fall out of men’s heads.
  5. If you leave a highball glass of milk sitting on my nightstand for the span of 10 hours during summer, it’s hot enough in my bedroom to curdle the milk into a solid cylinder.
  6. Richard Nixon was a socially progressive president, and good friend of John F. Kennedy.
  7. I’m double jointed in my left thumb.
  8. The kids on Jersey Shore that you like to make fun of for being so trashy and selfish and bankrupt as human beings have made more money since that show began than you will ever see in your life.  They’ve made this money because you operate under the assumption that they are inferior to you and exist for your distraction and amusement, not unlike an emperor guffawing at the exploits of his jester or fool.  However in this case the fool has power and wealth, and the emperors are fighting to avoid foreclosure.
  9. Bisquick is NOT “making pancakes from scratch.”
  10. 20 year reunions are hilarious, informative, and seasoned with a hair of schadenfreude if you know where to look.


If you’ve been holding off buying a light colored Simpson/Hemstead t-shirt then today is your lucky day!  Today only (ends at midnight) cafepress is reducing price of white or light colored shirts to 15 dollars!  That’s the price of a Grande Macchiato with a squirt of every syrup Starbucks has.*

So click on the store here and pick up a shirt, you could find yourself boasting these beautiful slogans:

Groping costs extra

And it's a quick "meh"

Get to the point, the bi-partisan point.


when you do buy one or all of them, send us a picture of you in them outside somewhere, showing you have no shame.


Humane Treatment Of Middle Class Ironic America

Simpson/Hemstead rolls out it’s organically-grown, humane treatment of animals line today with this hum-dinger of a shirt.

Click Here:

Show the bar patron next to you how up with the times you are with animal rights by flashing this little baby across your chest, or your newborn’s infant jumpsuit.  You care how people are brought up, let Simpson/Hemstead express how…

Groping costs extra







Taking Out The Trash

WTF is with the prices of trash cans?  Simpson/Hemstead was unaware that the price of trash cans had skyrocketed so much (we usually just throw trash on the floor and then once a week take a big squeegie and push it out into the yard), and we are appalled that Americans are forced to pay fancy escort prices for a place to throw out old fruit.

Some of the culprits:

Simple my aunt Fanny

And those Simple Human jackasses try to convince you that you need to buy 12 “liners”, what we undereducated call “trash bags” at roughly 1 dollar a piece.  If you’re only taking out the trash once a week (which means your house is filthy and smells like garbage all the time) you’re spending 52 bucks a year just on trash bags designed to fit these overpriced aluminum and plastic buckets.

But raising the bar on high priced stamped metal buckets are the douchenozzles at OXO.  I’ve often wondered what OXO even means while using one of their vegetable peelers that looks like it was built for a kindergarten class, and having seen the prices of a goddamned trash can I think I’ve figured it out:

OXO: It's the emoticon for your furrowed brow after looking at the price for molded plastic and aluminum.

$89 for a plastic bucket mass produced in a mold that breaks after two years, and 169 for the same thing made out of the equivalent of 48 cans of coke (which costs 28 dollars, plus you get a shit-ton of Coke).

I like the stones on these cats, but currently this company has the biggest brass cajones of them all:

Brabantia is Dutch for "Ikea is for Dickbags"

This is only a selection of some of their products, including a red metal 98 dollar bullet trash can.   Some might say, “But you’re paying for the import fees and styling.  Look at the glorious European styling!”

It’s f@cking round.  Round isn’t a style, it’s a shape.  It’s a shape some would consider funny for a balloon.  It’s a goddamned cylinder.  It’s the shape of an empty roll of toilet paper.  Pipe down with your European style crap.  As for import fees:  once again it’s a trash can.  This isn’t a luxury automobile.  What exactly are the tariffs on round lightweight metal I wonder?

No.  This unchecked trash can lunacy will end the minute you elect Simpson/Hemstead to office.  You’ve got Netflix and cell phones and Simpson/Hemstead Merch to spend this money on, not trash bags and shitty plastic cans and European Styled Roundness.

Day Job – Support the Cause

I just spent the last several months of my life doing the visual effects for this show with a team of very talented people.  Support Simpson/Hemstead by watching it, and making your friends watch it.  It’s on at 9pm tonight on the Science Channel

And then go buy stuff from our store.

And to answer the episode title:  Yes, time exists.  Just ask any boss in America.

%d bloggers like this: