Category Archives: Thieving

Hike Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife

There’s apparently an invisible rapist skulking his translucent, rape-hungry schmeckle through Asia, soul-raping young wives in the still of the night, while their husbands are RIGHT THERE!

Not sure if he wears glasses, but they do make him look suave.

Holy shit, that’s a cock-sure invisible soul-rapist right there.  He’s not even waiting for the husband to go out of town, or to work, or having the decency to shoot him and put shards of broken mirrors in his eyes like a rational god-fearin’ rapist.  No, this cat doesn’t care if you’re home with your husband, having a good old-fashioned opium orgy, or playing bridge with the girls; when this cat gets the urge, he indulges.

According to the report from the Asian News Network story:

The man: said his wife would remove her clothing, touch her own body and moan while sleeping at night, since a month ago.

He sought help from a medium, who then told him that someone had used black magic to take away the wife’s “soul” and rape her.

Now, we might not have to worry so much in the states yet, the invisible soul rapist seems to be sticking to Asia for the time being, specifically the Bintulu, Sarawak region of Malaysia.  Personally I didn’t know where that was, but don’t worry, I’ve already done the Googling for you.

Apparently, Bintulu, Sarawak looks like the OMG Cat.

Even the province seems to be saying, "OMG! INVISIBLE SOUL RAPE, LULZOR!!!!!"

But just because invisible soul rape is happening in OMGCatgurg, Malaysia, does that mean we shouldn’t be concerned?  Not in the least, in fact we should be hyper-vigilant, for what starts as humorous across the world invisible soul rape soon becomes a national epidemic right outside our own doors that registers a 9.2 on the Dodson scale.

To combat the imagined threat of invisible soul rapists, Simpson/Hemstead has had the ScienceWerks put together a computer generated composite sketch of what the invisible Malaysian soul rapist might look like:

The ScienceWerks computers only know how to do composite sketches as realized by Sears Portrait Studio. This backdrop is called "Winter Fairyland".












So, if you see yourself an invisible guy with rape in his eyes, contact the local authorities.

However, if you see a hot asian girl in her 20’s slipping out of her clothes and touching herself while moaning in her sleep, contact Simpson/Hemstead as well as EVERY OTHER GUY YOU’VE EVER MET, so that we might get all Bintulu, Sarawak on that scene.

Malaysia, bitches.


Vote Simpson/Hemstead:  Bro’s before ho’s.

For The Third Time In My Life, A Man Named Conan Has Eloquently Conveyed My Emotions

The first was a barbarian.  The second was a destroyer.

The third is a red head.

This is what I’m bitching about so much on Facebook, guys.

For the average person I imagine that they don’t understand what the big deal with Final Cut (Pro) X turning it’s back on the professional community is about.  I respect that, but for people who have used FCP in a professional setting for closing in on 10 years, who have touted the value of the system as competitive with software like Avid that was at the time priced beyond the reach of the freelance editor without a bank loan.  This is the professional digital video equivalent to the sensation of watching Episode I for the first time in the theaters.  The sense of betrayal is strong with this one…

I promise I’ll get back to writing my own blogs this weekend rather than just posting other people’s things.

Goddammit so much, America


See?  This is the kind of shit that Simpson/Hemstead is trying to protect you from.  Exactly what the hell is this?

The Giraffe Heard ‘Round the World.

A few weeks ago, while putting together the blog posting about our newest cabinet members, I had to go find a photo of a giraffe, as our giraffe refuses to have his photo taken.  It has something to do with a thing called “Megan’s Law” and it’s supposed to be “on the Q.T.” so I didn’t ask any more.  Anyway, I find a photo.  You might recall what it looks like.  Well, okay the 14 of you who read the post.


So, I find this photo online off a random google image search, and it comes up in a stock library of animal photos.  Perfect.  He’s gorgeous.

This is on November 3rd.

And then this post is from Kotaku on November 15th, conveniently when Simpson/Hemstad is on the campaign trail in D.C.

From this very flimsy coincidence it’s easy to deduce with absolute certainty that Kotaku are avid, if not silent Simpson/Hemstead supporters.  They are also thieves.  But mostly supporters.  And that’s flattering.

Boneless Moses!!!  I guess it’s also pretty clear that someone over there has a SERIOUS giraffe fetish.  Maybe that’s why they’re supporters.  I feel we should clear this up right now; Kotaku, Simpson/Hemstead will NOT be legalizing man/giraffe love.  WILL NOT.

But isn’t the fact that it’s taboo make it that much more thrilling?

Seriously, it’s a good place to go for gaming information, and it’s part of the Gizmodo network, so there’s a bunch of fun pop culture goodness across their affiliated sites, even for a group of closeted giraffe f@ckers.

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