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Facebook, despite it’s many faults, is a wonderful catalogue of all the poor life choices your friends and family have made with pride.  Haircuts, political leanings, clothing options, meal choices, significant others, medical opinions, decisions to run a failing political campaign for 14 years – all of it proudly displayed by the perpetrators themselves.

That’s a helluva thing.


Hay Hemorrhoid?

Hay Hemorrhoid?

What is a hay hemorrhoid?

Can hay get hemorrhoids?

We asked the ScienceWerks and they said hemorrhoids are vascular bodies along the anus that assist the excretory system with stool control that become a real pain in the ass when irritated. They told us, through a number of slides and graphs that made us giggle, that hay has neither the proper vascular system, nor a systemic excretory system to facilitate a need for hemorrhoidal structures.

So no, you may not have hay hemorrhoids. But “vascular structures that assist the excretory system with stool control that become a real pain in the ass when irritated” sounds a lot like something the current political system could use, so yes! We will be your political hemorrhoids America.

Now let’s keep your shit under control before you irritate us.


When I first joined Facebook I was all like this:

And then more of my friends joined and I started reconnecting with people I’d not seen in 20 years and I was like:

But now, after repost after repost after repost of the same bullcrap and an almost uncountable number of status updates that equate to something and inane and pointless as, “tacos for lunch” or “today sucks”, I’m kinda finding myself feeling more and more like this:

"You... you just 'liked' your own status, didn't you?"



Welcome to Earf (quake)

In the last 15 minutes the Simpson/Hemstead Facebook page was alight with activity.  It appears our east coasters (mostly conveniently positioned around the Washington D.C. area for keggers upon Simpson/Hemstead’s inevitable election victory) are experiencing something they’re unfamiliar with:  Earthquake.

a 5.9 earthquake just rumbled it’s way through the East Coast and man, supports on the not-left side of the country just don’t know what to do.  See, being from California we do a lot of “woohooo”ing when an earthquake rolls into town (unless it’s one of those nasty dickhole earthquakes like San Fran or the ’94 Northridge quake.  We’re used to them, we use them as excuses to get out of our chairs at work and go talk to one another and start guessing amplitude.

East Coasters freak their shit out a little.  This is either a confused group of people or there was a fire sale on question marks at Staples:

Oh the Humanity (Like) (Comment)

I’m happy that all our supporters have come through the quake without incident.  I hope that damage is light, I know you guys don’t really think about those very often.  We’ll do our best to keep them on our coast, you guys keep your damned winter blizzard things.

Sorry we let that one slip by…

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Equally good for drunkards:

*naptime at any cost

and even women:

*not accurate depiction of Simpson/Hemstead

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