Blog Archives

From the IMDBs

We get this little gem.

I worked on this movie, and I don't remember that top thing happening...

So if you’re looking for a Snowy mountain lodge family gathering movie with lots of murder, witchcraftery, hostage-taking and gun play that will ultimately end in sadness and inexplicable anal sex… you might wanna check out The Inheritance.

 

*Might.

Hike Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife

There’s apparently an invisible rapist skulking his translucent, rape-hungry schmeckle through Asia, soul-raping young wives in the still of the night, while their husbands are RIGHT THERE!

Not sure if he wears glasses, but they do make him look suave.

Holy shit, that’s a cock-sure invisible soul-rapist right there.  He’s not even waiting for the husband to go out of town, or to work, or having the decency to shoot him and put shards of broken mirrors in his eyes like a rational god-fearin’ rapist.  No, this cat doesn’t care if you’re home with your husband, having a good old-fashioned opium orgy, or playing bridge with the girls; when this cat gets the urge, he indulges.

According to the report from the Asian News Network story:

The man: said his wife would remove her clothing, touch her own body and moan while sleeping at night, since a month ago.

He sought help from a medium, who then told him that someone had used black magic to take away the wife’s “soul” and rape her.

Now, we might not have to worry so much in the states yet, the invisible soul rapist seems to be sticking to Asia for the time being, specifically the Bintulu, Sarawak region of Malaysia.  Personally I didn’t know where that was, but don’t worry, I’ve already done the Googling for you.

Apparently, Bintulu, Sarawak looks like the OMG Cat.

Even the province seems to be saying, "OMG! INVISIBLE SOUL RAPE, LULZOR!!!!!"

But just because invisible soul rape is happening in OMGCatgurg, Malaysia, does that mean we shouldn’t be concerned?  Not in the least, in fact we should be hyper-vigilant, for what starts as humorous across the world invisible soul rape soon becomes a national epidemic right outside our own doors that registers a 9.2 on the Dodson scale.

To combat the imagined threat of invisible soul rapists, Simpson/Hemstead has had the ScienceWerks put together a computer generated composite sketch of what the invisible Malaysian soul rapist might look like:

The ScienceWerks computers only know how to do composite sketches as realized by Sears Portrait Studio. This backdrop is called "Winter Fairyland".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, if you see yourself an invisible guy with rape in his eyes, contact the local authorities.

However, if you see a hot asian girl in her 20’s slipping out of her clothes and touching herself while moaning in her sleep, contact Simpson/Hemstead as well as EVERY OTHER GUY YOU’VE EVER MET, so that we might get all Bintulu, Sarawak on that scene.

Malaysia, bitches.

 

Vote Simpson/Hemstead:  Bro’s before ho’s.

%d bloggers like this: