Apparently the lord of some of you out there, Jesus Christ decided that he’d been a baaaad, baaad boy and reached his sparkly vampire finger out of the heavens to smite himself deep in the heart of Ohio, in the visage of a statue affectionately known as “Touchdown Jesus.”
The Simpson/Hemstead theological strategists have been burning the early morning oil (not to be confused with a lower gastro-intestinal disorder I had last year) since the call came in to reason out why Jesus would become the omnipotent version of a “cutter” and this was the short list of reasons:
- Jesus is unhappy at the amount of crimes committed in his name and stuck down Touchdown Jesus as a warning to those who would use his name to hurt or oppress others.
- Jesus has reached his malicious teen years.
- Lightning is Supreme Being ejaculate and he was watching Phoebe Cates in Fast Times At Ridgemont High.
- Jesus is getting older and no longer has that awesome Lorenzo Lamas hairdo and he was jealous of Touchdown Jesus.
- Jesus hates his teachings being trivialized by even his own followers by their naming a monument to him “Touchdown Jesus.”
- Jesus has either no sense of humor, or the best sense of humor ever.
These all seem viable to us, but another article in the news around the same time peaked our interest. It showed this photo:
That’s right. The Bieberdashian is merging. Slowly but surely, the Bieberdashian will form an unholy Voltron of suck. And Jesus didn’t stop it when he had the time.
Ladies and gentlemen, JESUS HATES JUSTIN BIEBER.