Since apparently tomorrow is our last day on Earth, I’ve asked our feathered concession speech writer to begin our concession speech for the end of time. So she drank a bottle of scotch (the cheap stuff, she has to work for the good stuff) and jotted down Simpson/Hemstead’s thoughts about the end of all things.
– So, it’s come to this. Rapture. The day of reckoning foretold by the bible and Debbie Harry. Despite 10 years of lobbying, internet-ing and pleading, Simpson/Hemstead has come not closer to elected office than coming in fourth in a race of three for middle school class treasurer in Wisconsin. What do we, those who have looked the other way have to show for this? Rapture. But really, what is Rapture.
According to the bible, the Rapture is when Jesus returns and takes all the true Christians up to Heaven to live in his Dad’s house with he and Kirk Cameron while the rest of the universe is torturously rebuilt as the new converted basement for Jehovah’s seriously pimped out crib. This work is presumably performed by the lowest bidder using the underpaid hands of unlicensed illegal immigrant workers found at Home Depot.
Okay, sounds great for anyone who really wants to spend eternity watching the Left Behind series with Kirk Cameron giving you a running live audio commentary about how the films were made. But what about those who ARE left behind to work on this basement?
Without doing specific math it’s roughly 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of all creation cast into a recycling bin on a whim. 14.7 billion years of intelligent design (6500 years in biblical terms) put into the incinerator “just because.” That seems like a really crummy return on the investment to me, but hell I’m just a bird.
Which brings me to my next point: What ARE we leaving behind? Well, bible says animals don’t have souls so I guess I’m shit out of luck. Trees? Screwed. Flowers? Burn nicely. The Moon? Feh, I’ve seen better. The Complete Second Season of THE FACTS OF LIFE on DVD?. Gone. Robert Downey Jr? Not so fast, mister. That’s right everything in your lives that makes your experience here on this recyclable plane of existence interesting and fun gets abandoned.
What does the universe think about that? What do the infinite number of creations, lovingly constructed over an unfathomable amount of time (read: 6500 years in biblical terms, with 1 day responsible for the majority of the heavy lifting, and 5 days of tinkering with 1 insignificantly small little blue dust speck and 1 full day left aside for Michelob Time) have to say about being abandoned by the infinite loving creator that is judging them in the most horrible and narrow-minded selection process possible? Well, I found a website that pretty much answers that.
So there you have it, nature and creation and apparently Bill Gates have spoken. I guess this is the part where we admit defeat, but Simpson/Hemstead isn’t about defeat. Apathy, procrastination, and voting for our opposition (thanks Hemstead) is more our speed. But also we’re too stupid to give up hope that the pathetic few are wrong.
In either case before the dumb Rapture could you at least order something from our online store? It won’t get to you in time, but at least we’ll have the satisfaction of SOMEONE having bought SOMETHING from us before existence ends.
Who knows, that charitable deed might be the one thing that puts you over the top into being rescued from eternal damnation.
But no pressure.
UPDATE: Looks like this fine heathen has put together a handy flowchart in case you were wondering if you will or will not be Raptured, so you can decide if you need to brush up on your Growing Pains trivia.