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English Fail? English Didn’t Fail Here, English Gave Right The F@%k Up.

Screen grab from for a projector:

Cables and Cohesive Thought NOT Included




If you’ve been holding off buying a light colored Simpson/Hemstead t-shirt then today is your lucky day!  Today only (ends at midnight) cafepress is reducing price of white or light colored shirts to 15 dollars!  That’s the price of a Grande Macchiato with a squirt of every syrup Starbucks has.*

So click on the store here and pick up a shirt, you could find yourself boasting these beautiful slogans:

Groping costs extra

And it's a quick "meh"

Get to the point, the bi-partisan point.


when you do buy one or all of them, send us a picture of you in them outside somewhere, showing you have no shame.


Humane Treatment Of Middle Class Ironic America

Simpson/Hemstead rolls out it’s organically-grown, humane treatment of animals line today with this hum-dinger of a shirt.

Click Here:

Show the bar patron next to you how up with the times you are with animal rights by flashing this little baby across your chest, or your newborn’s infant jumpsuit.  You care how people are brought up, let Simpson/Hemstead express how…

Groping costs extra







Simpson/Hemstead Shirt Spotted In the Wild!!!

See?  People ARE wearing the merchandise!  You gotta have it.  If you need a shirt that says, “I might be a pickpocket or a loose woman, or possibly even a street taco vendor selling his wares,” then baby, we’ve got you covered!

Sure, it’s supposed to mean, “Look at Simpson/Hemstead, do you see anything you like?  Because if so you should vote for us,” but when our t-shirt printer guy person told us how much that would be, we opted to shorten it.  As a result our shirt (and presumably campaign as well) has become popular with prostitutes, car salesmen, yacht enthusiasts, and for some reason paralegals.  But that doesn’t mean you have to miss out if you’re not one of those highly elite supporters!

Our shirts are printed on 100% authentic t-shirt made in a factory somewhere by someone.  I don’t know who, but really, do you care?  It’s a shirt.  You can’t walk around naked (yet*) so you gotta wear something.

Order yours today and within one week you can be coyly asking the world, See anything you like, sailor?

Pictured: Yacht Enthusiast

*Vote Simpson/Hemstead:  We promise to make the Let Your Freak Flag Fly Act of 2012 be our top priority….

Even More Shopping!!!

Simpson/Hemstead has spent the last three months polling the hell out of anyone who would speak to them,  investment bankers, visual effects artists, high school girls, that gap-toothed bum woman on La Brea, and of course the uncool tranny chick with a dick, and we’ve found out what we’ve been missing in our online store.  We’re proud to say that we’ve finally fixed this problem.

Let’s say you’re out with the girls, and you want to be casual.  You know, you don’t want to throw the “Hey check out my rack,” vibe right out of the gate, and it’s only casual 6pm drinks after work, so your “always works” short dress and 3/4 pound of whore paint you use on the weekends just wouldn’t be appropriate.  However, you don’t want to limit yourself to another night watching Big Bang Theory reruns by yourself (possibly with a cat or 17), stuffing a tub of Ben and Jerry’s down your unpainted maw and wondering why you suddenly find Sheldon on your “he’ll do” list.  Well, that’s where Simpson/Hemstead comes in.

Let me introduce you to our newest section, coyly titled “Maybe…

Finally a way to keep your honor, but still cut through the chase.  Let’s face it, dating is hard, meeting people is harder; especially when that good looking guy across the bar with the 8 pack abs, and smoldering smile also has that “I want to pet the rabbits George,” fog behind his eyes.   This is the perfect shirt for the casual encounter, just open up your jacket a button or two, and let the possibilities fly.

Wear it under your blouse at work, at the gym, the supermarket, planned parenthood, tea party rallies, high schools, colleges, Al Anon meetings, Pee-Wee Soccer games, BBQs, Therapy sessions, etc…  This shirt works in EVERY situation.*

Go buy one today.  Buy two.

*not intended for men’s correctional facilities.

Day Jobs

Keeping a campaign running smoothly requires donations, and since no one but me goes to the Simpson/Hemstead online store, I finance all the majesty that is the Simpson/Hemstad juggernaut working on the VFX for movies like this one:

So go see that movie and support Simpson/Hemstead.

Also, go to the store already…

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