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Humane Treatment Of Middle Class Ironic America

Simpson/Hemstead rolls out it’s organically-grown, humane treatment of animals line today with this hum-dinger of a shirt.

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Show the bar patron next to you how up with the times you are with animal rights by flashing this little baby across your chest, or your newborn’s infant jumpsuit.  You care how people are brought up, let Simpson/Hemstead express how…

Groping costs extra

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wash Day Tomorrow. Nothing Clean, Right?

Simpson/Hemstead merch adds an etherial glow to every situation.

Greatest Quote From Email Thread I Was CCed OnToday

“You can use my boobs, btw.”

 

That’s Simpson/Hemstead thinkin’ right there.

Well, It’s Been Fun, Everybody

Since apparently tomorrow is our last day on Earth, I’ve asked our feathered concession speech writer to begin our concession speech for the end of time.  So she drank a bottle of scotch (the cheap stuff, she has to work for the good stuff) and jotted down Simpson/Hemstead’s thoughts about the end of all things.

– So, it’s come to this.  Rapture.  The day of reckoning foretold by the bible and Debbie Harry.  Despite 10 years of lobbying, internet-ing and pleading, Simpson/Hemstead has come not closer to elected office than coming in fourth in a race of three for  middle school class treasurer in Wisconsin. What do we, those who have looked the other way have to show for this?  Rapture.  But really, what is Rapture.

If you see this out your window Sunday... you're not raptured.

According to the bible, the Rapture is when Jesus returns and takes all the true Christians up to Heaven to live in his Dad’s house with he and Kirk Cameron while the rest of the universe is torturously rebuilt as the new converted basement for Jehovah’s seriously pimped out crib. This work is presumably performed by the lowest bidder using the underpaid hands of unlicensed illegal immigrant workers found at Home Depot.

Okay, sounds great for anyone who really wants to spend eternity watching the Left Behind series with Kirk Cameron giving you a running live audio commentary about how the films were made.  But what about those who ARE left behind to work on this basement?

Without doing specific math it’s roughly 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of all creation cast into a recycling bin on a whim.  14.7 billion years of intelligent design (6500 years in biblical terms) put into the incinerator “just because.”  That seems like a really crummy return on the investment to me, but hell I’m just a bird.

Which brings me to my next point:  What ARE we leaving behind?  Well, bible says animals don’t have souls so I guess I’m shit out of luck.  Trees?  Screwed.  Flowers?  Burn nicely.  The Moon?  Feh, I’ve seen better. The Complete Second Season of THE FACTS OF LIFE on DVD?.  Gone.   Robert Downey Jr?  Not so fast, mister. That’s right everything in your lives that makes your experience here on this recyclable plane of existence interesting and fun gets abandoned.

What does the universe think about that?  What do the infinite number of creations, lovingly constructed over an unfathomable amount of time (read: 6500 years in biblical terms, with 1 day responsible for the majority of the heavy lifting, and 5 days of tinkering with 1 insignificantly small little blue dust speck and 1 full day left aside for Michelob Time) have to say about being abandoned by the infinite loving creator that is judging them in the most horrible and narrow-minded selection process possible?  Well, I found a website that pretty much answers that.

So there you have it, nature and creation and apparently Bill Gates have spoken.  I guess this is the part where we admit defeat, but Simpson/Hemstead isn’t about defeat.  Apathy, procrastination, and voting for our opposition (thanks Hemstead) is more our speed.  But also we’re too stupid to give up hope that the pathetic few are wrong.

In either case before the dumb Rapture could you at least order something from our online store?  It won’t get to you in time, but at least we’ll have the satisfaction of SOMEONE having bought SOMETHING from us before existence ends.

Who knows, that charitable deed might be the one thing that puts you over the top into being rescued from eternal damnation.

But no pressure.

UPDATE:  Looks like this fine heathen has put together a handy flowchart in case you were wondering if you will or will not be Raptured, so you can decide if you need to brush up on your Growing Pains trivia.

Here.

See Anything You Like?

Why yes, I think I do.

Following an exhaustive search of Catholic high schools and visitor’s day at many of our beautiful penal institutions* around the  country it looks like we might have found our Snorg Tees girl.  We think she has all the qualities of the original Snorg Tees girl, Alice including but not limited to the soft brown hair, nice rack, pouty lips and a look in her eye that is somewhere between hot and crazy.   We will be rolling out some more comparisons soon so you can see why we’re confident that we’ve found the girl to carry the Simpson/Hemstead message to the people…

…you know, after we ask her if she’s interested.

For the time being we shot some test photos of her that we’d like to show you fine followers (“test photos” is of course Simpson/Hemstead for “sent her a shirt anonymously in the mail, and then waited with a 2000mm telephoto lens in the apartment building across the street for the time when she would might wear it outside somewhere we could snap a photo).

It took six weeks, but she finally stepped outside in our gear for a smoke and a beer.  So without further ado, the first photo of who we hope will become the Simpson/Hemstead Snorg Tees girl**:

Stalking is hard, you can't even see the logo on her shirt....

*turns out this doesn’t mean what we thought it meant, but we can’t say it without giggling.

** provided the judge rules against her petition for a restraining order.

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