Blog Archives

Let’s Just Take a Moment Here

I was going to post something about the death of the large format film camera, and something about Quaddafi, but then I saw this and my brain needs a little bit of time to reboot.

My nerd region is so happy, but my good taste lobe is in exquisite, tortuous pain.

I need to sit down.

English Fail? English Didn’t Fail Here, English Gave Right The F@%k Up.

Screen grab from for a projector:

Cables and Cohesive Thought NOT Included



Taking Out The Trash

WTF is with the prices of trash cans?  Simpson/Hemstead was unaware that the price of trash cans had skyrocketed so much (we usually just throw trash on the floor and then once a week take a big squeegie and push it out into the yard), and we are appalled that Americans are forced to pay fancy escort prices for a place to throw out old fruit.

Some of the culprits:

Simple my aunt Fanny

And those Simple Human jackasses try to convince you that you need to buy 12 “liners”, what we undereducated call “trash bags” at roughly 1 dollar a piece.  If you’re only taking out the trash once a week (which means your house is filthy and smells like garbage all the time) you’re spending 52 bucks a year just on trash bags designed to fit these overpriced aluminum and plastic buckets.

But raising the bar on high priced stamped metal buckets are the douchenozzles at OXO.  I’ve often wondered what OXO even means while using one of their vegetable peelers that looks like it was built for a kindergarten class, and having seen the prices of a goddamned trash can I think I’ve figured it out:

OXO: It's the emoticon for your furrowed brow after looking at the price for molded plastic and aluminum.

$89 for a plastic bucket mass produced in a mold that breaks after two years, and 169 for the same thing made out of the equivalent of 48 cans of coke (which costs 28 dollars, plus you get a shit-ton of Coke).

I like the stones on these cats, but currently this company has the biggest brass cajones of them all:

Brabantia is Dutch for "Ikea is for Dickbags"

This is only a selection of some of their products, including a red metal 98 dollar bullet trash can.   Some might say, “But you’re paying for the import fees and styling.  Look at the glorious European styling!”

It’s f@cking round.  Round isn’t a style, it’s a shape.  It’s a shape some would consider funny for a balloon.  It’s a goddamned cylinder.  It’s the shape of an empty roll of toilet paper.  Pipe down with your European style crap.  As for import fees:  once again it’s a trash can.  This isn’t a luxury automobile.  What exactly are the tariffs on round lightweight metal I wonder?

No.  This unchecked trash can lunacy will end the minute you elect Simpson/Hemstead to office.  You’ve got Netflix and cell phones and Simpson/Hemstead Merch to spend this money on, not trash bags and shitty plastic cans and European Styled Roundness.

The Dowd Syndrome

Fascinating blog about a woman living with a crippling yet amusing disease.



You should check it out.

I Give Up, Internet

today’s top searches.

Apparently someone out there is losing sleep over this...

People WILL search the internet for absolutely everything.  I’ve given up trying to understand you, internets.  I swear if I tag this post, “How To Diaper a Llama In Cheese” someone will search for that tag.

Goddammit so much, America


See?  This is the kind of shit that Simpson/Hemstead is trying to protect you from.  Exactly what the hell is this?

Damn Internet, You Scary!

UPDATE:  10.31.11 – Woohoo, it looks like the internets are listening.  One of yesterday’s more popular search terms on the website was this:  “scott leberecht in culver city.”  Personally I think it’s a great step forward away from the Hitlers and more Hitlers.  I guess the Midnight Son screenings went well enough that people are thinking of stalking Scott at the house.  Just a heads up, I have security cameras, so keep it clean and legal folks.


Okay, it’s starting to freak me out some that this is CONSISTENTLY what my “Top Search Engine Terms” results look like.

That's HITLER'S "Mein Kampf," in case you were going to confuse it with say... Jay Z's "Mein Kampf"

I’m a little unsettled that it seems like we’re a fascist subliminal message in a sea of Hitlerian love.  And man, fascism is not what Simpson/Hemstead is about at all.  We’re nowhere near alpha males enough to be fascist.  Hell, we’ve been working on this political campaign for 10 years now, it took us 8 years to actually put up a website and only 1 of us contributes to it.  We are too easily distracted by TV and Facebook to be fascists.  Is there such a thing as fascipacifist?  I think that’s the closest we come to fascism.

I do think that it’s nice that Simpson/Hemstead has made an appearance in our search terms, but man, can we have people search for Scott Leberecht’s girlfriend some more or something?  Please?    Jesus this is getting creepy.

I guess that good old-fashioned racism is alive and well.  Damn Internet, you scary.

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